Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 19

Hello. Here I am with a new installment! Thanks for keep reading... today a little bit of everyday life, between a little bit of crazy and a little bit of sweetness ... hope you enjoy it!

I am beginning to hate everyone and everything. I always hoped I could rely on Maya, and when I finally did, I loved every minute, indeed every second, we spent together: I loved her gentleness in approaching Viviana, I love her sweetness every time she asks me if she is not crossing some line with me, I love watching their relationship evolve and solidify. Perhaps I was not so ready, however, for the wave of jealousy that would inevitably catch me. It happened one day, randomly, when we were all three in the house and when it was bedtime and I was about to read her a story, Viviana asked where Maya was and why she was not with us. She didn't want to replace me, she just wanted to add a factor, yet I suddenly felt "not enough." From that time there, there were a series of small episodes that slowly led me to today's breakdown.

I came home from work more tired than usual and missed yet another of Viviana's swimming lessons, which apparently it is now official that Maya has to take care of. What's different about today from previous Saturdays? I had a shitty day at work, so many problems one after the other, but above all it was the day when you could attend the swimming lesson and wanting to get into the water with the children as well. This started inside me an endless series of questions, paranoia, jealousy.

I started first with jealousy toward Maya. A small, childish part of me wondered how a person who at the beginning of our relationship was so reluctant to show herself, could now calmly accept the idea of diving into the pool with a flood of small children and especially their parents. Then I began to think that these parents might look at Maya, appreciate Maya, and that she in turn might feel desired by this tide of strangers, much more than I do lately, who instead spend my time begging for massages, attention, and complaining about my physique, my tiredness, my bad moods.

Then came the guilt toward Viviana. Maya is a figurehead for her and I am happy about that, but I, the mother, to the person who raised her alone all these years, could not be there for her. I couldn't be there today and who knows how many more times I won't be able to, but more importantly, we both know how many other times in the recent past I couldn't be there. Before, I used to give up work opportunities or extra shifts very easily, which by the way also caused me a few looks of discontent among my colleagues, because I passed as the classic boss who gets the highest salary, keeps his hours counted, and then doesn't give a damn about the real problems of the department and colleagues and patients. Since having Maya in our lives I tend to be more open-minded even at work, to accept a few extra shifts, a few difficult challenges from some impossible patients, because I know I have my back covered anyway. The problem is, how do I find the balance between family and work? Before it was never a problem for me, I never had to think about it, because Viviana's only family was me, without any alternative.

So on the car ride home, after watching the videos Maya punctually sent me of Viviana at the pool, I did nothing but cry in despair, drowning in my guilt. I felt not enough, I felt like a bad mother. And from there began a whole chain of thoughts that led me to think about how much worse I might be in a few months, when the second son is born and my attentions are further divided.

The straw that broke the camel's back for my breakdown was when I came home and found Maya and Viviana lying on the living room carpet playing, half in disguise, half not, laughing like crazy. It's a scene that usually would have made me melt with sweetness, but instead I breathed deep, held back tears, but shouted nonsense phrases, like it wasn't time to play, that "now stop making a mess," "can it be that there's always this mess when I'm not here," "Viviana run to your room." Maya looked at me uncertainly, but had the decency to keep quiet at that moment, while Viviana looked at me red with anger and then fled to her room as I requested. Maya then tried to take a step toward me, but I dismissed her with a wave of my hand and ran to the bedroom, again giving vent to uncontrollable crying. Maya gave me my time to change, shower, and when I left the room, I found her in the kitchen, preparing dinner. When I saw that she was about to say something, I opened my mouth, ignoring any reaction I had previously had: now shame is setting in.