Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 44 - Maya e Carina

A little bit late, but here I am. Maya and Carina's voices will alternate in this chapter.

Trigger warning : suicidal thoughts.

I also remind you that the next one will be the last chapter, then followed by an epilogue.

Thanks for reading!

Emotion is an intense affective reaction with acute onset and short duration determined by an environmental stimulus. Its onset causes a change at the somatic, vegetative and psychic levels.

The next days

Maya - Disdain and trust

I ran as fast as I ever thought I could run and took refuge in the arms of the last person I ever thought I would go to. My mother. She is becoming an extraordinary and present grandmother, but she has never been my comfort figure. Our relationship has never been physical or affectionate. Yet now I feel so much on the brink that all my pre-existing patterns have changed in value. How could Carina think of making such a decision on her own? And why is it that in the end the one who feels guilty about leaving her at Andy's wedding, with our girls, is me? Everything inside me, however, is a tangle of emotions, spinning and leaving no respite.

What person am I in love with, then? What kind of person is the one who makes such a radical decision as changing her life and going to the other side of the world without regard for those around her? And is it really possible that I am so wrong in idealizing her and having a certain opinion of her? I don't mean as a mom or as a partner, but as a person...

Carina - Fear

M: Meet me for lunch at the usual place.

These are the only words I have received from Maya in the last 48 hours in a sterile text message. I tried to call her every which way, even with the private number, but she never answered. And she has been like this for two days, ever since she left me alone at Andy's wedding with the two girls. Fortunately, my mother-in-law texted me the next morning, reassuring me that Maya was with her, otherwise I would have freaked out even more. Instead, as always, I had to play dumb, make up trivial excuses, grasp at straws trying to give justifications for her absence to the girls, and in the meantime try to keep my anxiety at bay.

Maybe I got the ways and times wrong, but why does it always have to be so difficult to talk to Maya? And why do I suddenly feel like it's too late for everything?

I quickly respond to her message, asking how she is, telling her that I miss her, that I will definitely be there for lunch, but she shuts down any possible conversation by sending me another raw, direct message.

M: My mother will come at 12:30 to watch the girls. Don't write me anymore, please. See you there.

Maya - Anger

I've been sitting at this table for more than half an hour and I don't know what to expect. I am early, but anxiety was eating me alive. When Carina arrives I am immediately struck by her appearance: she is tired, I would say exhausted, I don't think she has slept at all, she is sad, but also scared, maybe even a little angry.

C < hello..> she whispers, before sitting down across from me. I answer her with a nod and out of a gesture of habit pour her a glass of wine, which I have already ordered. Everything here is a habit: the restaurant, the table, the menu, the wine, the gestures, the comfort of feeling at ease, the coordination of movements, the complicity of glances.

I need answers, though. I need to make sense of this pain, so I choose a clinical, perhaps cynical, and cold approach.

M < how long have you known you had to move? > I ask point-blank. Carina sighs, setting her glass down.