Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 17 - Maya

Here I am with a new chapter for you. Thank you as always for continuing to read and follow this little family's journey with me. Thank you for your comments and your votes.

Perhaps I am too complicated, but the simplicity with which the days are passing scares me: I am always afraid that at any moment something will happen. Every now and then I find myself looking in the mirror and I can't get over what good fortune I have had in life: I have a job that I love and that we are making more than good money from, I have found love and in spite of everything I was able to have her back, she is here loving me more and more every day, I won in the package a beautiful little girl with whom I have this special relationship, and I will soon have another child. How can I give back to the world all the good fortune I have had?

Carina's pregnancy I thought was much more destabilizing: I was initially put off by the idea of having a child, but then in time I realized that I can do it. Certainly, however, I expected at least some relapse in fears; given how confusing and high hormonal tension the first few months were, I expected that living together with Carina would be difficult. I have read about everything in the past few weeks and in the end I consider myself lucky in this as well: the pregnancy is progressing well, physically and health-wise for both of us, Carina's mood is relatively more stable, and everyone seems to have taken the news with enthusiasm. The relationship between Carina and me has not been affected and in fact unites us more on all fronts: although she occasionally starts to get tired, doing a job that is not really suitable for a pregnancy and not wanting to stop for a minute, we manage to find our own spaces as always. If before our spaces were only as a couple, now our spaces are invaded by parenthood: I know there has always been Viviana, but this is the first time I am experiencing the excitement of seeing a growing belly, for example. Every day I spend whole minutes observing Carina's changing body and every day I fall more and more in love with it. Every day we spend whole minutes imagining the future, imagining her face, imagining the things the four of us could do, not to mention the endless lists of names we are discussing. We are also proceeding step by step in terms of concrete things, which sometimes seem to crush me to the ground: in theory I have already experienced all this indirectly with Andy, who became so "crazy" during his pregnancy that sometimes Ric would call me to take over for him in some tasks. In practice, I had not taken into account the nursery to be prepared, the layette, the clothes, the changing table, the baby carriage, the crib, the diapers, the toys, the baby carrier to put in the car, the one to put in the living room, the bottle and the pacifier... and I could go on for hours.

The truth is that on some issues I am being a washout on purpose, although Carina obviously doesn't know this, and this causes her a certain degree of nervousness that is reflected in high tension between us these last few days. She accuses me of not doing anything concrete to help her, that we are already late, that when she is in her eighth month how will I be able to help her, that I am irresponsible, and on and on in a climax of swear words about my lack of responsibility.

To add to all this last night we argued because I told her that I took a few days off from work: pretending I told her that I felt tired and needed to work from home anyway on some projects without being disturbed at the office, but maybe I should have worked better on my excuses. So while the house is all in turmoil because it is time for Carina and Vivi to go to daycare and work, I am still blissfully in bed like a baby.

C < wake up!> Carina suddenly exclaims as she re-enters the room, practically already carrying her bag on her shoulder. I flinch, wiping my eyes.

M < what is it? > I ask, a little discombobulated.

C < today you have to keep Viviana with you..> and says so without a chance to reply, almost taking the way out.