𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐈𝐧 𝐚 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐏𝐚𝐧

✧[039]✧

Message received from Danger Dilf

So. [Name].

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Why does that sound ominous. What's up, Lils?

Message received from Danger Dilf

Ominous? Don't take me that way! I thought we were friends...

Message received from Danger Dilf

After all, I only have a few questions.

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Well, O-K. Quickly though, Vil never usually lets me use the bathroom during practice

Message received from Danger Dilf

You needn't worry. Once again, let me ask you this. How do you feel about eggs.

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Why do you keep asking me this question!??? I'm fine with eggs. They are just... Eggs? Nothing weird about them, I have no real feelings about eggs??? Why does this feel so awkward even though it's text

Message received from Danger Dilf

Darling, you're rambling.

Message received from Danger Dilf

Next question... Do you like kids?

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

No, I don't. I don't have a particular enjoyment around them, they just ain't it for me... Sorry, it's just I lack that maternal instinct.

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Actually, no. Wait, Why are asking me this?? Are you setting up a VampiresOnly.com again? I told you. They don't know how to use computers. Nor do they exist.

Message received from Danger Dilf

Mmm... Interesting. It's shame though... you seem like you make an amazing parent. Father, Mother, whatever gender you really are. Nonetheless, How do you feel about reproducing?

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

What.

Message received from Danger Dilf

These are only experimental questions. None of which are going to be used for anything besides statics.

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

I am very uncomfortable. Lilia, next time I see you... I'm beating you with a shoe. But uh... I'd rather NOT reproduce. I.. I... These questions need to GO.

Message received from Danger Dilf

No, no! Please, indulge my curiosity a little more. I have one more thing to ask.

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Hurry up. I hear Epel yelling from down the hall.

Message received from Danger Dilf

Not to long ago... You said you probably liked a 'Lizard', I was wondering... Just who were you referring to?

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

😃

Message received from Danger Dilf

?

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

Moving on.

Message received from Cay-Cay ✨

Lilia... please leave them alone. You asked me these questions yesterday IRL. Please stop 😭😭😭😭 #nahfr

Message received from Danger Dilf

I thought I was your favorite, dear...

Message sent from Fun-Sized 🦐

U are. But bruh youvgb mmmllitdsz so;5467_-0z

Message received from Cay-Cay ✨

Felt that.  😤✌️

"Go fuck yerself and your pissy pretty pink french boyfriend too! I'm just... I'm tired of ya! Take that shit out your ass for one second -."

You heard the shouting get louder, stuffing your phone back into your pocket, you took off curious as to what all noise was. And just like always. The moment you stepped out a room someone felt the need to start a fight with someone else. Epel was the first thing you saw, his cheeks tainted red similar to Riddles as Vil only frowned at him, unamused with what he had to say.

"I'm tired of this! My ass ain't doing ballet! I ain't yer goddamn doll, Vil! Ya can't force me!" Epel's cheeks burnt with anger and soon embarrassed when he saw you a few feet away staring at his melt down.

"Really? Now of all times? Well, goo on them pull out your pen." Vil sighed, rolling his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, disregarding the reason to Epel's anger entirely. You felt your own face heat up in anger at the sight, instead of talking it out they chose to fight.  Not to mention Vil's disinterest in Epel's feelings.

Vil turned towards you, he can't believe he has to fight In front of you. It's just as embarrassing to him, as it is to Epel. How unprofessional in front of his soon to be spouse, obviously. He pull out him pen before Epel. While Rook silently took photos in the background, swooning over Vil's expressions.

Meanwhile, Grim looked petrified for Epel for actively picking a fight with Vil. He looked up and saw a pink and black haired figure smiling at him through a window, he yelped and scampered up your leg while you looked back and forth between the Pomefiore students. Turning briefly to Grim to look at his concern and seeing nothing out the window.

"Epel, don't do it, you'll get a house arrest anklet! Then you can't run from your grandma when she wants to beat your ass..." Deuce sighed while Ace only cheered the 4'11 king on.

"Beat his ass, Epel!" Ace shouted as Vil sent some side eye making him shut up immediately.

"Today is the day I put you in your place!" Epel growled, pulling out his magical pen. You sighed realizing one thing... Today was going to be a long, long day.

"Mmm, I wish you were a little more pushy about questioning my questions, dear. Fufufu, yes those statistics... The statistics of how many children someone could potentially provide for Malleus."

"The throne can't run bare and it's In the queens best interest I keep an eye on him. You seem to be a suitable spouse. You get along with him well, he also talks about you frequently. But I doubt it's of love, only a blossoming friendship."

" But that won't cut it. You aren't fae... Nor do I know your gender. Bit that's nothing magic can't fix. And... I suppose A little matchmaking doesn't hurt, no? If nothing works out, I suppose I can always settle for a spouse myself."