𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 /GXG/

◇Regressed egocentric

Enjoying the morning sun ㅡ and I have nothing to do these days ㅡ, gardening is good for thinking, rethinking.

I stop in front of the garden at the back of the house, with gardening shears in my hand. On my left side, the grass was torn up, and a layer of sand was spread to receive the new green carpets. A few bags of organic soil scraps are piled under the tree.

At the end of the yard, the wall that divides the condominium, the bouganville has its thorny branches very high, pointing towards the sky. The flowers that bloom are white in purple.

They're beautiful, but if I'm not careful, I can get hurt touching them, and, unlike roses, these have real thorns.

Once, a branch got lost on the lawn, Da-hye, while walking through the garden at night, stepped on it, and the thorn went through her slipper.

I position the scissors on the branch that falls in an arc, almost touching the grass. Each one I cut I put in the wheelbarrow. So I continue with the others until the architecture is uniformly glued close to the wall.

I talked to Da-hye. I made it very clear that when bringing her ''friend'' to our house, there would be no possibility of her carrying out any act of escaping the room in the early hours of the morning to exchange caresses with the blonde.

It's typical for teenagers to do this. It's the hormones.

I know she looks at Chae won's mouth. She looks on with sinful malice, lustful thoughts about what it must be like for her tongue to trace a warm, wet path from her neck, breasts, and down her skin until she melts.

I can't hide that I'm jealous. I even heard my heart pound when Da-hye said she kissed Chae won. I lost my temper and punished her. I felt anger, guilt, and remorse because I was still attracted to her.

That's why I broke up with my boyfriend. Not just for that. Let's say 50 percent.

When he stops being teenager and become an young adult, the desire ended. I tried to move on from a previous relationship, but there came a point where I became disenchanted. His shoulders became broader, his beard appeared, and little by little, it gave shape to a man. Kissing became disgusting, and my desire diminished.

To think that breaking up is not that painful for those who do it, I feel pain.
This last relationship lasted 4 years, a little longer than the previous one, which lasted almost two. I wanted to prove to my ex-boyfriends that when we made declarations of love, I told the truth that I would love him forever. At that moment, in my heart, I felt yes.

I am a person who is conscious of my body and my actions, and I already understand that I like boys younger than me. With each breakup, a growing anxiety in my chest, knowing that I can't establish a stable relationship.

As if it couldn't get any worse, Chae won had to reappear as Da-hye's girlfriend.

I still crave her. I never imagined being tempted to evolve with a girl. I started watching Chae won when she made a drawing very close to what my naked body would look like.

How many drawings had she already made of me? There are probably several! I had already noticed her eyes fixed on me and her hand holding the pencil on the paper several times. I thought she was thinking about trivial things, like when we lose focus because we are lost in thought. But then I realized the situation. During class, I was doing my reflections. I reviewed her behavior with me. It's like a filter has disappeared from my eyes, and I start to see the girl with all the malicious intentions I had when she talked to me.