𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 /GXG/

○As night falls

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BAEK DA-HYE
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We don't think when we wake up ' today I'm going to die', but today I woke up (if I barely slept) thinking, today I'm going to die. I decided to join them.

After this, I ended up stopping to be silent and see if this was what I wanted.

Sana fueled the jeep for us to drive up into the mountains towards the Choi Ranch. There are tire chains in the trunk, and she brought me home around noon.

I had a normal day at home next to (for the last time) my mother. We then had lunch, I rested my fingers on the piano keys (for the last time) while she helped me. I couldn't help but cry silently with every note I made.

I went up to my room and tried to eliminate anything that might disappoint my parents if they found out about me.

I was never one to venture outside of my thoughts, and when my thoughts leaked, a few times, I left a scribble at the bottom of the notebook where I wrote ''S-, I love you'' with a heart. These are things from when I was 9 to 13 years old.

That feeling of contentment just saw Sana was good. For a long time, that was enough: either go to school and see her.

The deluded one, indeed.

But I'm not doing this because of her. Yan is right: There is no need to fear death. We were there before we were born. So we know what death is like. As soon as the feelings disappear, the pain disappears.

Soon, I will cease to be.

So I thought about how I wanted to be seen. I put some toiletries and makeup items and my favorite clothes in my backpack. I even ended up laughing at the sadness of that thought. If I didn't exist, wouldn't it matter what others thought of me? It's strange to think like that.

It turns out I'm still alive, and that's a concern for me. I don't know why... because if in 18 years my parents don't care what I think, then...

○○○

8 o'clock at night sharp. The jeep stops a few meters from my house. I close the curtain, leave the window, and I pick up the backpack that is arranged on the bed. I'm taking several chocolate bars because I don't know if there's anything to eat at that end-of-the-world, and because I don't know how things happened ㅡ whether it will be tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I just know that I spent these days eating chocolate like never before. It's the most delicious flavor in this life and the last one I want to taste.

I go down the stairs carefully, with the flashlight on, crossing the living room and leaving the house. My clothes are impeccable: pink cardigan, carpenter jeans, white leather sneakers. I thought about using it for New Years. Well, that day will be no more, but I still want this idiot to see me as beautiful.

Sana rolls down the window. ''What a cold night.''

''And it's going to get worse.'' I look at her sadly. ''We really are, right?''

''First I'll stop at one place and then we'll go to the Ranch.''

''Whatever you want.'' We exchanged a regretful look. I walk around the car, and everything I get in, I feel a smell of alcohol. I end up stepping on an empty soda can left at the bottom.

''Nobody saw you leave, right?'' Sana asks, starting the engine.

''No. My parents go to bed early,'' I mutter, and the next thing I know, I'm carefully fastening my seatbelt.

''I think it's just another stupid thing to do,'' I comment, looking at her sadly.

''It's not a stupid thing. Stupidity is having an accident and vegetating in bed.