𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 /GXG/

🔹️🔸️Pill for the pain

______________________
CHAE WON
______________________

[Wednesday, December 24th]

It was tempting to know that I had saved one for my own use. I even tried to avoid it, I even took the pill in my hand and looked at it and said NO. I ended up putting it under the insole of my sneakers that I hadn't worn in a while.

I tried to clean the house. But then I got distracted by the thought and ended up not being able to finish polishing the living room floor, and then the whole house went silent. It's very strange.

My mind went back to that. My heart raced as the desire grew and the next thing I knew, I was there, opening the shoe rack, taking out my fluorescent orange sneakers and finally, on impulse, putting the drug on my tongue.

Without having time to think.

I tried to avoid it.

I tried to distract myself, but my head hurt with the thoughts of ''one more time'' and I wanted that.

I felt a brief regret as the pill dissolved on my tongue. I thought, and I think, now was the last time.

Then I started to feel so good that I turned the music on really loud.

Think of a good deal!

I was so crazy that I cleaned the house in just my panties and bra. All this because of the warmth that comes from within, an endless stream of happiness for a few hours allowed me to enjoy good hours of energy.

I felt so happy.

At the end of the morning, the initial pleasure was already passing, and then little by little, I started to fall, fall, and I already knew that the fall was going to lead me to that.

Pleasure is now being replaced by feelings of failure, discomfort, regret, and sadness.

''I can control myself,'' I say, stupidly anxious, sitting on the floor, legs close to my chest, dazed by frightening thoughts.

The tremors don't stop.

I quickly look around my room.

The window is closed, but the curtain is open, and sunlight comes in. The light attacks my eyes in an explosion of clarity.

I close them and open them again.

Under the bed, the blue bedspread is just inches from touching the floor, and then I see the beginning of the shadow.

(Come stay here with me. It's so dark here. ..)

I startle when I hear the door open suddenly. And then the pain of fear expands in my chest when I see that the door is closed.

(Under the bed...)

When I close my eyes, her face appears in my mind. When I open my eyes, I suddenly smell the bad smell.

Se Young smells like fresh blood.

(Help me!
Here under the bed.
Get me out of here and let me in!)

She wants me to be there with her.

🔹️🔹️🔹️

In a strange thought, I am fighting with someone, and in desperation, I am stabbing that someone. I'm on the street pulling someone by the shoulder and stabbing someone, then I kill them, and in despair because I don't know how to deal with it, I stuck the knife in my left wrist.

Now that I am opening the eyes, I am lying on the edge of the bed, my left arm is hanging down, my hand is on the floor, holding an empty water bottle, and the room is dark.