Epiphany Of Eywa {Avatar & Avatar TWOW}

Don't forgive me.

There were times this past week were I thought I was dying. 

I hadn't linked since the last time I saw him, and I'd slept no more than 8 hours. The feelings never left me this time, instead I realised they were my own. The guilt strangling me had nothing to do with my bond with the Stingbat, it was me. 

How I treated him, the look on his face consumed me every day. 

I saw it every time I closed my eyes, and blinking made me want to break down sobbing. But I gave up crying three days ago. Instead I was sat on my bunk, being forced to move three times a day to push food Grace offered me away. 

Feelings like this displayed differently on everyone, but I had never experienced emotion like this. Even after making tsaheylu. The constrictor once threateningly sat on my shoulders, ready to attack, was now wrapped and secured around my neck. The days spent clawing at it were long gone and I was starting to give in. 

All the words I said to him sounded as if they were powered by hatred. But they weren't. 
I wish I could tell him, that nothing I had ever said to him was to hurt him. I wanted to protect him from me. Forcing him to stay by my side while I was focussed only on my mission was cruel. 

Jake had given up trying to get me up, instead he occasionally sat by me and told me of his day. His day with Neytiri. How they had gone to the mountains and he now had a banshee. How he saw him. How he wasn't doing good. 

After he mentioned his name I curled up and starting sobbing again. Treating myself like this would do me no good, but I couldn't bring myself to see him. Not after what I said. Not after I saw the look on his face and how my words tore through him. 

"Belle." Jake mutters, coming in from the hallway with a yawn. I look up, lifting my head from my knees for a second to glance at him. I had my legs against my chest and arms wrapped around them, it was the only way I felt safe from the horrors I had created around me. "You gotta sleep." He was right, but I couldn't see his face. 

"Mm-mm." I hum, shaking my head and leaning back against the wall behind me. 

"Neytiri said he left." My ears prick up at that and he notices that he has my attention, going to continue. I made no move to object. If he had left that means he could be in trouble. "I spoke to him yesterday, telling him how you are." That was bad enough. "Apparently he upped and left this morning."

He was going to get himself in trouble. I knew that much. But there was nothing I could do, he wasn't going to listen to me, especially if I was the reason he left in the first place. 
"You need to find him Belle. He's going to do something stupid." Jake leans forward, placing his hands on the edge of my mattress. 

"I know." Not even I could stop myself going after him, but I wasn't going to feel good about it. 

"We gotta get you a banshee." 

"I know." 

I wasn't about to walk along the forest floor for a Na'vi. Especially one who knew his way around high places. He wasn't stupid. So, the only option I had was to climb absolutely everywhere or bond with a banshee. 

Annoying really, considering banshee's were far more emotionally intelligent than anything I had bonded with.

But I'd do what it takes, even if it meant having an emotional breakdown. Eyve wasn't clueless, he probably knows someone will come looking, I just doubt he thinks its me. Or that he wants it to be me for that matter.

"Wanna go now?" I shake my head, if I tried to link I'd lose my head, I was exhausted as it was, I didn't need to be climbing the hallelujah mountains. 

"Okay, sleep, we'll go first thing tomorrow." He squeezes my shoulder and I offer him a tight smile. 

The moment my he reaches the pillow, I fall asleep, my eyes closing on their own accord.

****