criminalminds x reader

chapter 37

I woke up in the hospital, all taken care of. I pack up my things to leave when emily arrived.

"Hey" I say to her.
"You ran into a burning building "
She says bluntly.
I look at her and say.
"You were in it. I wasn't going to lose another person I care about just bc of a little fire" I smile at her and she runs up to hug me.

"Ouch"
"O sorry" She says and backs away.
I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to kiss me.
But she didn't.
"Let's get you out of here"

~
In the yet
"I guesse we're going to have a nice little talk again" I say directed to hotch.
"Actually this time you are going to have that nice little talk with Strauss"
The whole team goes 'oo'

"What she can't be that bad now that she's sober"

"No your right. I'd be more worried about penelope right now" Derek commented with a laugh

I made an 'o shit' kind off face and everyone noticed.
"Why did you run into the fire"
Jj asked.
"I didn't want to lose you guys"
I quickly respond.

When we got to the bau and the elevator door opend I was greeted by both Strauss and p making the same face.

"You can have her later" Strauss said as she directed me to hotches office.
She closed to door and immediately screamed.

"What the hell were you thinking!"
"Wow that's eem direct"
I had never been in trouble with Strauss before.

"Give me one good reason not to fire you" she continued yelling.

"O shit do I actually?"

"Give me your gun and badge" she looks disappointed.

"Hotch has my gun so i wouldn't should myself in the head"
I didn't mean to say that outloud.
She just staires into my soul.
"Sorry"
I added.

"Okay rn now I really need you to give me a reason not to fire you" she turned around and put her hand on her head.

"Eeem.....idk actually "
"What!" She turned back around.

"I-. Don't get me wrong I love this job. But I'm fucking exhausted.
I ran into that fire bc I couldn't lose another person I care about.
I would sacrifice my life for my team without any hesitant.
But I'm scared every single day! I've lost so much and I can't lose anymore.
And I'm so tired of being scared! You want me to convince you to let me keep my job. But idk if I can. Bc idk if I can ever come back like me again.
Everytime I held my gun these last few months I-I. I just keep thinking about eating a fuxking bullet! I even fuxking bought one to do it."
I take out the bullet from my holster and put it on the table.

"Idk how to come back from that. So maybe you should fire me! Nobody is ever going to trust a fed who looks like a fucking tiger" I pull up my sleeves in anger and pull them back down.

I look at Strauss and realised everything I just said.
"O shit " I put my hands over my mouth in shock.
"Can I eem take back what I just said? I'm on strong painkillers in combination with heavy antidepressants. I don't want to lose my job. Pls"

You fucked up. Your done.

Strauss staired at me still in shock.
She turned around to look outside to see if anyone heard us.
The team looked like they were minding their own business.

"Your suspended for atleast a month. Get help agent garcia. Maybe go to a mental hospital. You might hate the idea of it as much as I hated the idea of rehab but...just get better" Strauss walked out leaving me in shock.

I just stood there for a second.
I walk to the doorway.
"So what's the verdict?" Tara asked.
"It's fine. I'm going home"
I stair into the blank space.

I could hear penelope screaming behind me but everything sounded so far away. I just keep walking to the elevator.

I get on my motorcycle and some how ended up at my therapist house. At 7pm on a Saturday.

"Y/n what are you doing here?"
She noticed my face was frozen in shock.
She opend the door and let me in.

I told her everything that had happend. While remaining almost dead inside.
I look up fron the object I've been stairing at the whole time and look in to dc blakely's eyes.

"Do you think I need to go into a mental hospital?"

"I know you need more help then just antidepressants and talking to me. would you be willing to go to a pshycward? I partly work at one, I could try to get you in"

"I know I dont want to feel this way anymore. But I don't know if I can do it"

Doctor blakely convinced me to get the help that I need. Tomorrow I will be going to a pshycward.

I get home and I take out my razor. If im going to be admitted for a month it means i can't cut.

I drag the blade through my arms a couple of times when emily calls
Face time.

O shit

I wrap up fast and return the call.

"Sorry I was on the toilet"

Girl you cannot lie

"Hey, I wanted to see if everything was oke" she looked nice and beautiful her voice was calm but also she looked a bit worried.

"Yea I'm fine, just a bit tired" when I finish my sentence I noticed em looked even more worried.

I get off the batroom floor and go sit on my bed.
"Why are you looking at me like that"
I ask her.

"You say your fine but your not. I know you've been hurting again y/n"

Eemmm what does she mean by that.

"You see right through me" I say awkwardly.
"Deppresion is not an easy battle, im here for you okay"

The phone call ended. I really thought she knew about my sh again.

I take out my hoodies and take the strings out in preparation for tomorrow.

After that I doze off