criminalminds x reader

chapter 44

Tw talk of sh

Next morning I still felt very sick.
When I woke up emily was gone.
"Em?" I get up into the living room and don't see her anywhere.
"I'm in the bathroom " I hear.
I go stand infront of the door.
"Is everything oke?"
She opend the door and walked out.
"I just had to use the toilet, but yes I do still feel sick. Penelope came to drop off some soup and a bag for you" she said.

I take the bag. And it just had some of my clothes in it. And ofc my nice underwear. God my sister...I look deeper jn the bag and see that my kit was still in it.
I hadn't taken it out if the bag. And I haven't used the bag.
Just seeing the box knowing what's in it, it attracted me so much. But i couldn't tell emily.

"Why do you keep staring into the bag" emily asked.
"Ow just Penelope being her wonderful self and bring me my fancy underwear " I say as I put the bag down pretend i didn't feel triggered by a stupid box.

"Now I kinda want to see them" em said teasing.
I look at the clock and It was already 1 pm.
"I waited till you were awake to eat some soup. I can warm them up right now?" I nodded.

Soup is fine right?

Em came back with 2 bowls.
I eat a bit from it and put it down.
"My stomach isn't so happy" I wasn't lying not completely.

"I still need to call of therapy, I'll be right back"  I did need to call of therapy but I kept thinking about that box.

I went into Emily's office and called doctor blakely.
"Hi its y/n I just wanted to let you know that I'm sick so I can't come in today. But do you have a second right now?"

"Ofc what's wrong?"
She answered
" I'm at Emily's right. She's my girlfriend now but that's beside the point. My sister dropped of a bag of clothes and it had my sh kit in it. I completely forgot I still had it in that bag. And i- I cant stop thinking about it now"

"Do you want to be distracted? Talk about it? Or something for urges?"
She asked calm
"Idk? I feel triggered? And attracted to it? Idk what that means" I was kinda panicking. I'm 4 months clean. I don't want to lose that.

"The best thing to do is to get space. Get away from what triggers you. You need to get rid of it. You don't need it anymore. You can always ask if emily does it " I don't want to get rid if it. Idk why I just need to have it somewhere.

"Okay. But I still feel panicky"
"That's totally normal when your triggered. I'll stay on the line for a second and then I want you to go take your anxiety meds and drink some water"
Doctor blakely stayed on the phone until the panick went down a little.
I walked out the room and take my anxiety meds out my handbag.

"Is your anxiety coming up?" Emily asked.
"Ye but its fine." I take the meds and drink alot of water.
"Do you need anything? We could take a walk?"
I agreed to it. So I would stop looking at the bag.
We walked around the block holding hands.
"Did you talk about the things I mentioned yesterday?" Em asked.
I shook my head no.

"Why do you feel like you can't talk about it?"
"Idk. Idk a lot of things"
I do know I know I can't talk about it bc I don't won't her to know. I don't want to worry her. Or feel bad.

"I'm just going to say it" em said. I look at her confused.
"I know. I know that your still struggling with things. And that's normal. And I will never judge you for that. I just wish you could tell me what your struggling with bc I have my theory's but I don't want to assume"
I sigh.

"I just hate that I still struggle with things yk. I just want to get over it and move on"
We slowly walk back to Emily's apartment.

"I'm struggling with food" I just let out.

Dumb so dumb

"I've been for awhile"
Em sat down om the couch to listen to me.
"You said you liked jj. And I just felt so jealous. I look at jj and she's everything I'm not. She's blond and skinny...I started my antidepressants and I started gaining weight. It really triggered me. And I did those facetimes with p whenever I had to eat. So she could help me through it.
But then idk. It got worse. I stepped om the scale again after about 3 years. And I started to watch my weight. It was healthy at first. I ate normally just less carbs. Without actually counting them" I noticed emily had it difficult to hear me talk about it.

"Then when I went in to the mental hospital I got a new prescription. I thought it would be better and the weight gain would stop. But then I gained 15 kg in my time being there.
I've talked about and they try to help me to accept it but. I just keep seeing jj infront of me and I see what I should be. Soo... I stopped taking my meds. And I've been watching my food intake. But I promise I've been eating enough.  I'm not relapsing. I'm eating 3 meals everyday atleast i try to. I'm not sick I promise!"

Idk why but I was crying. I'm scared that em won't want me.

"Y/n listen to me" em had tears in her eyes. And grabbed my face as she wiped away ne tears she continued speaking.

"You are beautiful! Your body is your home and its perfect the way it is. With scars with stretch marks. With every little curve or freckle. You are not jj. And you don't have to be jj. Everybody is different. And everybody is beautiful."

"That's some bullshit"
I said. Em looked shocked.
"I see how you look at jj. How you complement her looks. You don't do that with me. And I got so much complements from the team when I lost all the weight I gained. So don't tell me that I don't have to look like jj."
"I don't even know why you like me"
I wisperd that part and looked down but em lifted my face.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice you were struggling. But every thing I said was true. I like you for you y/n. I like you bc your amazing. Your beautiful and smart and you have dark humor that no one understands but I do! I understand your humour and I always noticed how beautiful you are. I was just to scared to say it. Your not jj. But jj is not you. Be yourself, bc that's the way I like you. I like the y/n that runs around with kids on her back. I like the y/n that hold my hair when I puke. That pushes Spencer of a chair and laughs about it. I like the y/n that learned ASL to support a friend. I like the y/n that asked for help. But I also like the y/n that's a little bit shy. And is hurting. I like every part of you. The good and the bad. I just like you y/n! You! Not jj"

I'm fully crying. She held me, she held me for so long and I dont want her to let go.
"I like you too emily prentiss"