criminalminds x reader

chapter 4

Tw: cutting and talk of sh. Depression talk of Ed

I was in the kitchen with Emily and Pen, drinking water and trying to calm down.

When he came in.
Derek and Rossi held Eva's father as he was fighting back
" they did this to her they did this!!"
He screamed. When he looked at me he stopped.

" You, you shouldn't have left her alone yesterday! You should have gotten her the help she needed!!"

I should have. This is all my fault this is my fault

Derek and Rossi took him away from me. Behind him was Eva's mom. She walked up to me
I tried to say I'm sorry but all she did was hug me. And stroke my hair.

"This is not your fault oke, you couldn't have done anything differently"  She back up a bit but with her hands still on my upper arms.

" no, I could hav-"
" no, you couldn't, she was an addict and you know how stubborn she is"

Is / was

" You y/n. You made every day a little bit better for her. You already helped her so much, bc of you she started using less. You did so much for her. And she loves you very much"

Tears fell down again
" I love her too, I will always love her"
I hug her again, and I hold on tight.

She smells like her

"I eem. I brought some stuff from her house. Some are yours and some are just extras I thought you might want. There in my trunk, I can put them in your car"

" ill help" Penelope said. I gave her my keys and I said back down. Dropping my head on the table.

I need to cut

Penelope comes back in the room after a few minutes
" Eva's mom is talking to the police now, but eem all the stuff is in your trunk. She was really beautiful y/n. I saw a few pictures"

" I need to go home" I say as I take my keys out of Penelope's hands.
"You shouldn't drive like this y/n. Here let me drive " Emily said.

" no I'm fine I don't need babysitting"
"Y/n your girlfriend just died i-" Spencer said before I cut him off.

" don't you think I know that Spence! I saw her lifeless body on the ground! Do you really think I don't know she's dead!" On that note, I walked away to the elevator.
" I'm taking a few days off" was the last thing I said before the elevator doors closed.

I drove home, at least I think I did. I can't really remember how I got there. 
I opened my trunk wanting to take something inside.
There is a bag with some of my clothes and some of hers. A box with pictures in it and then her electric and acoustic guitars. I take the bag and one and the acoustic guitar.
I'll get the rest later.

No I won't

I walked into my house and went straight for my bedroom. I put all my stuff down and went to the bathroom

I need relief

I take out my kit. Dragged the blade over and over again on my arm. I didn't care anymore, I didn't think that anyone might find out. I just want relief.

Go again, again

More and more lines on my arms. I go over a few another time. Deeper and deeper. Now over to the other arm.

Go again, again

Both my arms are covered in red. I just stare at them for a second. Until the blood starts dripping.
I ran over to my shower and take off all my clothes and just stand there as I let the cold water run down on me. Every drop on my arm stings.

Relief. Sweet relief

After the blood stops coming out. I step out of the shower and put on Eva's clothes. Her favorite sweater. She wore It just yesterday when I came over. And her jogging. She loved comforting clothes.

Eva

I crawled into bed, and I just laid there.

Time went by, the sun came in sun went out.
All I did was lay there. Staring into empty space. Without Eva.

Occasionally I stood up, just to drag another blade through my skin. Later i crawl back into bed.

My phone started buzzing, I hadn't picked up any calls bc i didn't have the energy. I didn't open the door for anyone. I was all alone. My phone kept buzzing and buzzing so I decided to pick it up.

" y/n you there?"
I could hear JJ's voice
"Ye" my voice sounds almost dry and quiet
"Omg y/n, we have been so worried about you"
" I'm sorry I just needed time"
" I know but you could have at least let us know your oke. We haven't heard from you for over a week!"

A week?

I don't say anything
" we've been by your house but you never opened up. Penelope had even left some baskets out for you"

"She did? I'm sorry I haven't had the energy to speak with anyone "

Or to do anything

"You missed Eva's funeral "

I did?

"I'm sorry"

"I'm just glad to hear you're okay"

But I'm not

" ill be back soon I promise "

But I don't want to come back...ever

" You don't have to rush y/n. Take all the time you need we are here for you "

The phone call ended. I need to go back. I need to feel something else than pain. My job makes me feel useful. I need to get back.

It's too soon, I don't want to

I try to get up, but I get seated again as my eyes started to go black. I haven't eaten anything, and the blood loss doesn't help.

There goes all my progression

I look at my arms and see that the sleeves of Eva's sweater are red. Blood red. I took off the sweat threw it on the floor and took another one out of the bag.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower. Bandages my wounds and walked to the kitchen. I didn't feel like eating, but I had to.
Almost all of the food in my fridge went bad. So I just took a banana.

Once I ate 1 thing I wanted more.
And more until I didn't find anything anymore. I got so full. And exhausted I crash out on the couch.