Tw sh and talk of wsnting to die (Alot of warnings I know)
I woke up in tears again.
But this time it hurt evenworse.
When I was drowning I was with eva, I was with eva the whole time before waking up in the hospital. And everytime I close my eyes. I'm with her again. And I can actually feel her. I can touch. She's not just an image. And then i wake up. I just wish I could stay there.
Come back eva pls. I wanne stay with you.
My crying started to make my hyperventilate again causing somewhat of a panick attack.
I put my hand over my mouth.
Shut up shut up pls. I don't wanne wake up emily.
I wanted to run in the bathroom and cut. But as I opend the door emily stood before me.
She took my hand of my mouth.
"Breath y/n shh. " She looked at my watch to monitor my heart rate. Bc of the surgery I had my heart rate can't go higher then 100, it puts too much pressure on my heart and i could pass out or even go into cardiac arrest.
Which is difficult when you have anxiety and a panick attack disorder.
Ow and did I say anxiety?
"Your heart rate is 95 y/n . We need to slow that down"
I layed down on the floor to try and relax my body.
"Do you have ice?" I point to the fridge
She runs back and puts rhe cubes in my hand. And rub them over my face, and into my neck. Bc your artery Is right there, I hoped it would slow down my pulse.
In the mean while emily tried to talk ne down and helps me breath.
" follow me. Chest out, chest in.."
My pulse started to go down. And my breathing back to normal.
Great now I'm just lying on the floor with my face all wet.
"Can you get me a towel pls?"
Emily ran in the bathroom and got me a towel while I got off of the floor.
"Here, you oke?" She asked concerned
" ye I'm oke now. Thanks"
I dry of my face and my neck. I crawl back into bed and emily followed me.
"I'm sorry I woke you " I say while tears roll down my cheeks.
Emily crawls in bed next to me
And said " shh it's oke, it's 7am I was already awake"
She comes closer to me and held my head on her shoulder while she rubbed my back
How does she make me so calm
"So ig Spencer did learn you something- the ice trick. So your not 'unteachable " I say laughing and sat back up
" he said that!" Emily said jokingly annoyed
"Y/n I think we need to talk about this"
Fuuuuuck I don't wannnneee
"I know you don't want to-"
Can she read my mind?
Unicorns
Shampoo
Lazer
BOOOOM!
Lalalala
Cat Blachett
Women
Men
Aliens
Eeeey macarena!
Bambi
...
"Y/n you still there? What are you thinking about?"
So she doesn't know??
Good cause she looks so hot in that pyjama
Y/n stop!!! You litterly just had a panick attack over your dead girlfriend!
Ugh I hate my life
"Right sorry im back"
"So what happend , that made you have a panick attack" emily asked nicely.
I sink deeper into bed , I pull up the blanket over my head and "UGHHHHH"
I fold the blanket of my head again and said " I really don't like to talk about stuff like this" I say with pleading eyes.
"Try, pls form me"
She begging? Damn i-
Y/n goddammit stop!!
" I had dream about eva" I sign and continue
I rol on my side and emily does the same facing me. Another tear leaves my eye
Why am I so goddamn emotional
"Everytime I close my eyes, I see her. And it's not just an image. It's actually her, i can feel her warm embrace and I can actually touch her." More tears stream down and my shaw starts to shiver as I tried to hold it in
"Everything feel so at peace when I'm with her again. Even when i was drowning, she was there with me in the water. And stayed with me until I woke up in that hospital" my voice breaks
"Isn't that a nice feeling?" Emily asked
"You don't get it. Every single time I wake up, she's ripped away from me, again! And it makes me feel soo hollow." I start to get a little frustrated but try to hold it back
"It's like im losing her over and over again, everytime I wake up. I just wish I could stay with her" my jaw keeps shivering
Emily didn't get what i meant with that last sentence. On the inside I'm screaming at her so loudly
You don't get it!! I wanne stay with her em! I wanne be with her where she is! I wanne be dead!
But I couldn't say that out loud.
She didn't say anything she just hugged me. She held me for so long.
Until I backed up
"Sorry I cried all over your shoulder " I say with an awkward laugh.
"It's oke. And your going to be oke. Y/n you should really go back to therapy. This is the type of thing therapy can help you with "
"Therapy never worked for me" I say as I roll my eyes.
Atleast not long term
"Well I'm sorry to break it to you, but you kinds have not choice"
What?!
"Hotch won't let you in the field until you are actively seeing a therapist"
So I have to recover for 2 weeks and go to therapy!
"What how long do I need to go for"
"Y/n it's not like you can do 2 sessions and then quiet kinda thing. Your mental health is important, you need to take care of it."
Dammit
Emily got changed and asked if we wanted anything for breakfast.
I just asked a bagel and my favourite coffee.
"Bye y/n see you in a sec"
And om that note the door closes .
I run in to the bathroom lock the door and take out my kit.
Took of the bandages and just repeated history over and over again.
After I got the relief I needed I packed up again and crawled back in bed like nothing happend.
I put on my headphones to sush out the world. I put on some billie eilsh song and just lie there.
I listen to music alot, it has many purposes. It can be an escape from my own thoughts, it can calm my anxiety down, but it can also represent how i feel. I usually can't put my feeling into words. But songs can.
The song listen before I go pops up.
This one, this is how I feel.
I stare at the wall and didn't hear emily come back in.
"Hey y/n I'm back"
She walks up to my room
"Hey you feeling oke?" She ask
"Ye just not really in the mood to get up"
"That's oke, be can eat bagels in bed" emily put the bag down next to me on the bed and handed me my coffee
"I'm going to brush my teeth real quick. I forgot to do it before left"
Emily walked in the bathroom as I took a sip of my coffee and turned my music lower.
"Ow y/n" I hear emily say in a worried and disappointment voice.
What?
YOU ARE READING
criminalminds x reader
Fanfiction⚠️tw⚠️ mental health issue's such as sh, depression, Ed and suicide... y/n garcia penelope's sister has been with the bau for 1 year. she's a very private person but now, her mental health caves in after another lose in her life. everyone will see h...
