criminalminds x reader

chapter 11

Tw talk of sh and wanting to give up

Y/n's pov:

I slowly start to wake up my whole body feels sore. I open my eyes. And nobody's there.

They don't care, im all alone like always.  I wish I hadn't waken up, I wish I was still with eva

I look around and see bandages over my arms

Shit shit shit did somebody see

I see my clothes next to me. I take the tubes carefully out of my arm and put on my sweater. Who still smells like that salty lake.

I try to stand up but I feel weak. Everything hurts. I almost fell to the ground but I catch myself and walk into the hallway. Up to the nurses station
"I need my sister where is she"
The nurses stair at me for a second. Then one of them rushes next to me and holds on to my arm.

"Ouch" this time I say it outloud. She loses her grip and said
" you shouldn't be out of bed. You just had mayor surgery." She says to me

"Call my sister " I said to the other nurse.

The nurse helped me back in bed and put the heart rate monitor on.

"How long was I out? " I aks
"About 24 hours"

I stayed up waiting for penelope to arrive. In those minutes I felt so alone...I never liked hospitals. I've been in them way to much, as a visitor and as a patient.

I felt cold inside scared, lonely and drained. I could have fought to swam up but I didn't. I didnt want to... I wanted everything to stop and I did.

Death was like paradise, I felt warm and happy. Death was a field filled with flowers. Me and Eva, all alone. Just to two of us. Death was good, its all I wanted.

My thoughts get broken when penelope walked in, the rest of the team was still out in the hallway.

"Pen! Pen" I yell when I see her.
She came in an hugged me. It hurt but I felt so good to. I needed her embrace, I need it so bad.

"Y/n why didn't you tell me you relapsed " Penelope said with tears in her eyes.

Shitttt

"I-i don't know what your talking about"
"Derek and tara saw your arms when they got you out the water y/n. We all know"

Dubble shit

"Wait the whole team knows?! Wha- what did Spencer say?" I say looking out the window straight in his eyes

"Wait no stop, I don't wanne know. Can we just get home pls. You know i don't like hospitals"

Penelope took a deep breath and said
"I'll get you discharged, the rest of the team wasn't to come in. Can they?"
I gave her a nodd.

P walked out and the rest of the team walks in.
"Hey garcia, how are you doing" hotch asked first

"I'm oke, so you all know huh?"
I ask
Everybody looks down
"I am soo sorry Spencer " Tears fill my eyes
"Why didn't you tell me, I could have helped you" he responded

I take i deep breath, I look over at jj and feel so guilty. She already went through alot with her sister she doesn't need this.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this now. The kid needs rest" Rossi said

Thank you. I really don't want to do this now. Or ever

"I'm actually coming home with you guys. I don't want to stay here any longer. I'm not a fan of hospitals" I say and chuckle

" What you just had mayor surgery?" Tara said
"I know but I'm good now, penelope is signing my discharge papers. And I promise I'll get myself checked at at home"

"I'm going to Need to get some help tho, to get to the bathroom to change"

"I'll help" emily said
She helped me in the bathroom and gave me my pants and underwear.
I changed and walked back out

Penelope had just signed my papers I was free to go.

~

On the jet

"Can we talk about it now?" Spencer asked.
"Spence" I responded annoyed

"No y/n. I'm worried about you. And I'm scared! You almost died! And turns out you've been hurting yourself ? And apparently this isn't the first time"

Penelope told them!

I glance angry over to penelope.
"You told them! What els did you say!"

"Wait there is more that we don't know?" Derek asked.

Fuck I said to much

"Maybe the fact that you haven't been going to therapy for over 4 months And that you've lied about it" Spencer went on

"Wait how did you-"
"I called your therapist yesterday, I wanted to know if you were getting help. I needed to know that you wanted to get better. But he just told me that you haven't been to therapy !"

Great tell everyone how messed up I am that I need therapy

"Spencer, pls stop yelling " I ask my breathing gets heavier as I say this

He quietly sits back down , his face was read with guilt. He knows I don't like being yelled at

"Sorry i-i didn't mean to yell"
He noticed I was getting an panick attack .
He took out some ice of the fridge of the jet and put it on my foorhead and rubbed it on my cheeks.

Everybody looked confused so he explained
"Ice helps calm down the human nerves system"

Everybody saw me fall apart right infront of them

After I calmed down Spencer held me for a second and went on with the conversation.

" we need to talk about this y/n"

I sign "I know but I don't know if I can" my voice cracked

"When did you relapse?" Penelope asked
"Wow that's eem that's a heavy one" I say looking down.
"Mhh, a year ago"
Everyone was schocked
"I-it was on and off. But eem it's been worse since Eva died" my voice kept sqeeking as I try not to break down.

"Why do you do it" jj asked
"I- do I really have to answer"
"We just want to help you, and we can't if we don't know what's going on"  Tara said

"I do it bc I need relief" I let out a deep breath

" I know I usually look happy. But I'm not. I was happy when I was with eva but the second she was out of my sight. I felt like I could never feel joy again. Mhh. I. I needed a break from everything and this, This gives me that break. Even when it's only a few seconds"

"How long have you been feeling like this?" Spencer asked

"As long as I can remember. I've kept alot of my past to myself."

"This feeling i-. Being deppresd is more a farmiliar feeling then being oke. It sounds bad but this feeling holds more comfort then anything else"

"O y/n" emily let out.

"I think I've said enough now" I put on my headphones until the plane lands

~