Unhinged

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

The past two days went by in a blur. For some stupid reason I kept hoping that time would have mercy on me and stand still or at least move slowly but when has time ever favoured anyone? I must have been high on pain to assume that it would have favoured me. The planning has been rather stressful and emotionally draining but as Siya had promised, he never left my side... Well, emotionally at least. He had to leave at some point to go make the necessary arrangements. Anga and Jongi have been by his side throughout and for that, I'm truly grateful. He hasn't stopped checking in on me and I've been doing my best to be his place of solace as well though he's been reluctant to do so. I guess afraid to set me back as I'm barely hanging on as it is. What brings me solace is knowing that Anga and Jongi are there for him. A part of me hates myself for being this weak, whereas another understands that I need to go through all of these emotions in order to heal. This entire journey has cemented just how selfless he is, and I want to be just that for me, it's just so damn hard to snap out of this hole that I'm in. Yesterday, before I got discharged, he finally managed to get me to go see our babies. As scared as I was, and as undeserving as I felt to be their mom, those thoughts and feelings faded away as soon as I laid my eyes on them. As tiny as they are, I could already tell that they were going to grow into beautiful beings. As soon as we walked in the NICU they started cooing and wiggling their feet and hands in the air. It's like they could sense that we're with them in the room. Both of them had tubes covering their tiny bodies and my heart just sank. I felt so helpless, but Siya reassured me that they're doing well. Today is Tuesday, and I'm currently in Siya house, eLady Frere; shocking I know. Well, one of the many houses in this yard belongs to him. According to him, in his family all males need to have their own houses within the homestead. This is in preparation for whenever they decide to get married and I guess for privacy purposes as well. Smart move if you ask me. As I was saying, I'm in Siya's house, sitting on a mattress, mourning for my child. His family was considerate enough to say that I didn't need to wear any black clothes like how other families do. To say I was grateful would be an understatement. Wearing black would have really made it hard for me to move on and grieve in peace. My door creaks open and Siwe walks in with a tray filled with food. I smile faintly at her. "Mntase, kuthwe mandikuphathele ukutya," she says, kneeling on the mattress before placing the tray next to me. (My sister, I was told to bring you some food) I sigh mournfully. I genuinely have no appetite and I wish they would stop forcing food down my throat. "I don't -" I respond but get interrupted by someone walking in the room. Oh, it's Siya.

"Sbari, bendicela undiphe umzuzu nomkam," he asks, shutting the door behind him. (Sister-in-law, please give me a minute with my wife) Siwe gives me a tight hug before getting up from the mattress before walking out. He continues to stand by the door while looking at me. I try to maintain his stare but as always, I end up shying away from him. After a while, I hear his heavy footsteps approach me before I feel the mattress dip beside me. I raise my head and look at him. "You'll crease your pants," I say. He chuckles softly. He is dressed in black dress pants and a crisp white long sleeved shirt and formal shoes. His hair is neatly cut. He looks so handsome. He picks up the tray and places it on his lap. "Ndiyayazi uba awufuni kutya so sizotya sobabini," he says, taking a scoop of the oats from the bowl. (I know you don't want to eat so we'll eat together) This man. I oblige and allow him to feed him. When we're finished eating the oats, he starts feeding me fruit that's been diced. I can't even stomach this. I'm full. "Uhluthi?" he asks, eyeing me. (Are you full) I nod my head 'yes' while swallowing. Seemingly, he's also just as full as me as he places the tray on the floor. He removes his shoes and shuffles closer to where I am, and places me in between his legs with my back to his front. He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on the crevice of my neck. He heaves a sigh, "Are you ready?" he whispers. "I am." It's not like I have a choice. I feel him bopping his head against my neck. We sit in silence and let our bodies do the communicating between us. I close my eyes and listen to the beat of his heart as it drums rhythmically against my back, soothing me. If I'm not careful, I may just end up falling asleep. "Ungalali. We have to go," he whispers against my ear, disturbing our moment. (Don't sleep) Damnit! I was really enjoying being in his arms. Sigh. He gently peels me off from his chest and turns me to look at him. "Umhle kodwa mkam," he compliments with a smile on his face. (You're beautiful though my wife) This man still has the ability to make me feel giddy inside. Heat creeps to my cheeks. I cover my face with my hands and hide my face on his chest. His throaty laugh fills the room. "Hayibo sthandwa sam, usenje nangoku?" He teases, lightening the mood. (Wow my love, you're still like this) "No," I say, with my face still shoved against his chest. "Right," he mocks. "Masihambe ngoku ngaphambi kokuba sizolandwa," he says, planting an endearing kiss on my temple, peeling me yet again from his chest. (Let's go now before we get called) Just then the door bursts open and makhulu walks in with a smirk on her face. "Nenza abanye abantwana apha?" She teases. (You're making other children here) God this woman. Siya bursts out laughing. "Sifuna kugcwale indlu," he retorts, engaging in her banter. (We want a full house) Yho, ababantu. (Wow, these people) Siya and I get ready and follow makhulu out.