ALWAYS BEEN THERE: A Lloyd Hansen Story

chapter six

I woke up in Lloyds arms. Fuck.

I sat up and wiped my eyes. Suzanne still wasn't back. It was maybe three am. Lloyd was fast asleep next to me.

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I washed my face to try to help with my puffiness.

I heard the door to the dorm open. Suzanne and denny walked in drunkenly, but then they saw me, and Lloyd asleep.

"Hey." Suzanne whispered. "Sorry. We thought you guys ended up at the motel again."

"No sorry. Umm I know you guys wanted sex so umm-"

"Yes we do." Denny said sternly. Suzanne hit his chest. She gave me a sorry look.

"It's okay.." Suzanne whispered. She could obviously tell I had a bad night.

"No it's okay. Lloyd and I can head somewhere. We can sneak into the frat."

Lloyd groaned in bed. He sat up and saw all of us.

"Yeah. We will go." Lloyd whispered. I grabbed my shoes and sweatshirt.

"Umm I would sneak through the window." Suzanne said. I nodded.

"I'm gonna be okay." I whispered.

"Yeah hurry up. Bye Camille." Denny said.

"Shut the fuck up denny." Lloyd said. Suzanne smiled at me.

"Bye." I said to her. Lloyd helped me out.

He walked down the sidewalk with me. I was tired and freezing. But I wanted to be nice.

"You okay?" Lloyd asked.

"No I am not but I wanna be nice for Suzanne." I said. Lloyd nodded.

"Everyone is asleep if Denny is back." Lloyd said. He moved to hold my hand. I looked over at him. His fingers intertwined with mine.

"I still have that mattress in the back of my car." I whispered. Lloyd chuckled.

"I've got you. If anyone's awake we ignore and go upstairs." He whispered. I nodded.

"Can I just go in through the window?"

He nodded. "If you're gonna feel better about it."

I ended up getting up through the window just as Lloyd got in. He locked his door as I shut his window.

He sighed softly and got into bed. I shut his curtains and took off my slippers.

Lloyd threw his shirt off before getting comfy in his bed. His room sorta reminded me of Harry Potter. It was dark green and had a pretty king bed in the middle. It was manly. It was lloyd.

I quietly got in bed next to him. He sat his head up to look at me.

"What's wrong? No one's gonna come in here." He said.

"I'm okay." I said and cracked a smile. God he was on eggshells.

Somehow I felt better yet worse about our talk a few hours before. I mean he was self aware about us, but he also admitted to it being because of his ego and popularity.

I sat up against the headboard, putting my hair behind my ears. Lloyd relaxed as he looked at me. God those shimmering eyes.

"Stop." I whispered. "Stop looking at me."

He smiled. "You're the most beautiful girl."

Guilt. A wave of it.

I smiled, trying to hide the thoughts. He sat up and stared at me.

"Are you mad that denny kicked us out?" He whispered. I stared into his eyes.

"Yes." I whispered. I mean he asked. He knows.

"I know you hate it here."

"Good inference Harvard." I whispered. He nodded.

He moved to lay down, but between my legs, with his head on my chest. I giggled.

"Shhh." He said while laughing. I moved my hand to his hair.

I hated that I loved every minute with him. I wish I meant more to him. I didn't know how much I truly meant.

Lloyd

With all my heart, I have never loved anyone as much as I loved Camille. My every waking moment I was thinking about her. Every dream was her.

I didn't show it, but she was the only person that kept me sane. My mind runs circles around my body. My life here. My future. My past. Home. Harvard. Graduating next year. Cia enrollment. Football. Frat. School. Siblings. Parents. Friends.

But my soulmate. My Camille. She took my little brain. That little running movement and slowed it to a stop. She controlled it.

But with my brain going so fast, I knew I couldn't open up enough. I couldn't bring myself forward and be fully vulnerable. In a relationship you're fully there with the other party. You're theirs. They're yours.

I can't risk that. She can't know the real Lloyd Hansen that is evil and scared and corrupt and inching his way out. She can't get hurt. She can't see him.

I wanted her Lloyd to stay. Her Lloyd was the sweet boy that she brought forward. Her Lloyd was everything I wanted to be, but couldn't. I loved her Lloyd. I loved her even more.

She's my fine line between myself. She keeps me happy.

Without her I go insane.

She's golden as the sun. She's my heaven. She's my echo keeping the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanted to save her when she cried today. I might act like I'm happy with our relationship, but in reality I hate it. I hate that I feel guilty every time I look at her. Because she wants to love me unconditionally and I won't let her.

I wish I knew how she felt about me. I wanted her to know that she means the world times ten to me. The sun, the moon, the stars. The universe. I would give up everything for her.

At twenty one years old, I knew I wanted to spend my life with someone. The little girl that came up to me on the playground crying because I stepped on her wood doll that she made. The girl that helped me with my homework every night from eighth to twelfth grade. The girl that took my virginity prom night. The only girl I've been with.

The only lips I've kissed. The only body I've touched. The only hands I've held. The only body I've fallen asleep holding.

Even if she doesn't realize, my heart and soul is hers. I just hope she holds onto that faith.

I need her to.

Oh god.

Camille

Lloyd sat up again. His eyes were dark from the lack of light, but the bits that trickled into his room helped me see him.

"I love you." He whispered. My smile faded.

"You haven't said that in years."

"Yeah well. I know you need to hear it."

I wanna open up that mind. The way he stares at me. It's like his mind stops.

"I love you too." I whispered.

He gave me a small smile, kissing me. His kiss broke, and he moved to whisper in my ear.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you that enough because I know that gives you the stability with us that you need." He whispered. I furrowed my brows. How did he know?

"What's gotten into you?" I asked.

"Nothing. I'm just saying what I know I should be to you."

"I think I'm dreaming, and we need to go to sleep."

He smirked. "We're not, but okay."

He moved to spoon me. I love you.

Oh god.