ALWAYS BEEN THERE: A Lloyd Hansen Story

chapter forty-six

"So how's life there?" Suzanne asked as we sat on FaceTime. I watched as my husband smoked outside. It was quiet for the last few weeks after his mothers death.

"It's good. Quiet." I said. Lloyd had barely said a word. Unless he was being a dad.

He came inside. My eyes trailed over him. Suzanne was talking.

"Cam..are you okay?" She asked. I looked at the screen as lloyd went into his closet.

"Yeah sorry. You were saying?"

She continued to talk about Denny and Molly. I watched as Lloyd got into bed and turned on the tv, keeping it quiet. But his hand landed on my thigh under the sheet. I looked down at it.

I moved to hold it. He moved his head onto my stomach immediately. I sat there and played with his hair while suzanne talked.

His quiet state made me so anxious. He was good about exerting his emotions, so when he wasn't it scared me. It wasn't that he showed when he was sad by crying or something, but he would just look mad or happy.

Suzanne ended up getting bothered with Molly waking up, so she had to let me go. After she hung up, I set my phone down. Lloyd just continued watching tv.

"Lloyd?" I whispered.

"Yep."

It was a monotone voice. I kissed behind his ear. He leaned into me more.

"Come here." I whispered. He sat up and moved closer to me. I pecked his lips before he tried to lay down. He sat there for a moment, kissing me back.

"Are you okay?" I whispered. He nodded. I hated when he lied to me.

"Don't lie."

"I promise I'm okay."

I sighed and kissed him again. He melted.

He pulled away and looked down. "Mmmmmm fuck." He said.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just love you."

I smiled softly. He didn't look happy or sad.

"Can you tell me if you're okay?"

"I'm not doing great." He whispered. "But I don't want to express it."

"I married you and had your children. You can tell me anything."

"You did a lot more than that and you know it."

I smiled. He rested his body next to mine, keeping himself close.

I kissed his forehead and smiled. He just stayed close. Nothing mattered except for him in this moment. My boy.

"I think a lot is just kinda washing over me from this. I don't know I mean my mom was a bitch. She was a bitch to you, she didn't care about my kids. She didn't care about me for gods sakes. But something about knowing that i don't have a parent around anymore makes my heart drop."

He was talking. He was communicating.

"I've just always had two parents around. And I know your mom raised you and your siblings as a single parent but I don't think I could survive with just my dad or just my mom. I mean who did you go and talk to when you were mad at your mom?"

"You." I whispered. "I always knew to go to you first. If I didn't have you I would've been a lot angrier of a person."

He stopped breathing for a moment, but looked up at me. "You serious? Even in highschool you never went to anyone else first?"