ALWAYS BEEN THERE: A Lloyd Hansen Story

chapter forty-two

It was eleven pm, and I was putting dishes away from boxes.

We had moved. It was a mansion about ten minutes out from Boston. I had to admit, it was gorgeous.

I just didn't really feel it yet. It didn't feel like home. It felt like I was in someone else's house and I didn't belong here.

Lloyd came into the kitchen, seeing me.

"Hey. I didn't know where you were."

"Sorry. Just trying to get what I can before the kids are up." I said.

He sighed and came over to me, grabbing the box and setting it down.

"It's getting late. We can get it in the morning." He said.

I nodded. He was close to me. I looked around at the kitchen.

"What's on your mind?" He asked. I glanced at him before glancing away.

"I don't know."

"I know you know. Tell me."

"I'm gonna need a cigarette."

He nodded. "Let's go." He said. We walked up to our new bedroom, which had a huge balcony to sit out on, as well as a few chairs out there.

I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and handed my husband one. I lit mine before handing him the lighter. I sat down on one of the chairs.

I blew out a long puff of the smoke, looking at lloyd. He was staring at me with worried eyes.

"I'd rather you express your feelings then stay mad at me."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Lloyd huffed and got up, kneeling in front of me. "Say it. Say you're pissed you're here. Quit making me wonder."

"Of course I'm pissed. I loved Croatia." I whispered.

He sighed. I turned to blow out the smoke again. He got up quickly, looking out on the balcony.

"Cam I'm sorry. I just...I need to do this. I know it sucks but please support me."

"I know. Im doing my best to support you. I just- you asked me about my feelings so I told you. That's all." 

"I'm not mad about that. Thank you for telling me." He said.

"Then what are you mad about?" I asked as I blew out the smoke before finishing my cigarette. I took a sip of the brandy on the table.

"I just wish you were content."

"I will be fine I'm just adjusting to the change."

He looked over at me. I sat back in the chair more.

"You're not being honest. Cammie I've known you for way too many years. You have told me how you've felt if you were pissed at me or a situation so why aren't you now?"

"Because every time we move or go somewhere or do something it's for you! I'm so sorry that your mom is dying and I know you want to spend more time with your daughter. I understand and I'm sorry. But that is why."

He sighed and nodded. "Right."

"You're not allowed to sit here and get butthurt now after I told you that. I have been keeping that in for so long."

He nodded and looked at me. "Thank you for telling me."

I nodded softly. I got up and came over to him. He sighed and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he held my waist.

"Maybe in a year we can move back to Croatia again-"

"No. Nope. I'm not gonna do that. This is good I mean I want Max and Maeve in good schools with kids that they can be friends with. This is the right place I know it is I just.. I'm just tired."

He hugged me tighter. I rested my head in the crook of his neck.

I felt myself giving into him fully. And as I gave in I felt myself becoming physically tired.

"Alright. Come on. You need sleep." He said. I pulled away and nodded. Lloyd moved my chin up to look at him.

He moved closer to me, his nose brushing against mine. I closed my eyes, and mere seconds later he was kissing me.

I kissed him back, melting into him.

He held me close, but pulled me away. I sighed and stared at him.

"I love you." He whispered. I kissed him again. He held me there for a second before setting his hand on my cheek. I pulled away and sighed, looking away.

"Hey.." he whispered as he moved a piece of my hair behind my ear. I looked up at him.

"I just wanna go to bed." I whispered.

He nodded and led me inside. I grabbed some pajamas and put them on. As I finished, I caught Lloyd continuing to stare at me.

"What?"

"Nothing." He whispered as I got in bed. He went to the bathroom as I laid down and curled up within myself. A few minutes later and the tv turned on. It was quiet.

"Sweetheart." Lloyd whispered. He pulled me in by my waist. I turned over and rested my head on his shoulder. I pulled the blankets up on myself and kept my eyes closed.

Lloyd just twirled my hair between his fingers. I loved his scent. His warmth.

The man that, no matter how much I didn't want to, I would cross mountains for.

From the boy that was my only friend through highschool, to the boy that fucked with my head for years, to the man that helped provide for me and our beautiful kids.

I couldn't stay mad. He's done everything for me. Why I keep complaining is beyond me.

I moved my hand under his T-shirt. He sighed a little sigh of relief. We both liked skin on skin contact. And that didn't have to be sexual.

I relaxed my body and let sleep take over. Because knowing me, I just needed a good nights sleep.

"I love you." I whispered to lloyd. I could practically see his smile with his eyes closed.

"Oh sunshine you know I love you too."