ALWAYS BEEN THERE: A Lloyd Hansen Story

chapter forty-eight

"So how are you?" Suzanne asked. I poured the both of us wine.

Denny and Lloyd were hanging out in the living room. The kids were asleep. I sat outside with Suzanne.

Croatia. Finally.

I tucked my body beside her on the outdoor couch, setting my hand on her knee.

"I'm okay."

"Are you lying?"

"No. I think okay is the right word. I'm not good or bad. Just okay."

She smiled softly. "Okay. Good."

I looked at the ocean as Suzanne looked over at me.

"You've been out of it. So has Lloyd."

"We're okay."

"Is it cause of his mom?"

"No. I mean..yeah it affected him. I don't know we're just working through it all."

"How are you two working on it besides sex?"

I shrugged. "Just that."

"That's not working through it. Sexual stuff can only help so much."

I nodded, moving my knee so that I could set my head on it.

Suzanne looked at me, brushing my hair behind my ear. "You just don't seem yourself. I know you. I know you. You just seem dull."

I sighed, watching the waves. "You wanna go for a swim?"

"You're avoiding." She said.

"Yeah I am."

"Why don't you and Lloyd go? This is more than just sexual. Denny and I can stay if the kids wake up."

I gave her a little sigh. "Okay."

•••

Lloyd stood out at the water with me. It was dusk now.

We were halfway in the water while the waves crashed around us. Lloyd was holding me while the waves hit. He chuckled at each one.

I held onto his shoulders as he picked me up bridal style. "The big bad waves won't get you."

I giggled and held onto him. He smiled.

"You getting cold cause I'm cold." Lloyd said. I smiled.

"Just a tad." I whispered sarcastically. I was shivering.

He set me flat on my feet and went up to shore with me. We had blankets and towels. We sat down on the towels. I wrapped a blanket around us. He moved close to me and sighed.

I set my head on his shoulder.

"So did suzanne make you bring me out here?" Lloyd asked.

"Perhaps." I said. I moved my hand to hold his. A warm breeze ran through the both of us.

"Are you happy to be back here?" I asked. Lloyd nodded and smiled.

"It's home. For me at least. But..I'm not seeing that light back in you."

I nodded and sighed. "Just a little tired is all."

"Whenever you're tired I know you're depressed."

I sighed. "I'm just out of it."

"We can fix that."

I smiled. "I just want to be at the point where we're both okay at the same time."

"Mhm."

I looked out at the ocean. "I don't know. I just feel like I'm not even in my own body sometimes. I feel so numb. Like I'm just this clock that keeps ticking. Everything is to happen at this specific time. I don't feel like it's normal either. I feel like no one understands that-"

"-that if you mess up that clockwork, somethings gonna snap. No. I get it."

I sighed and played with his wedding band. He kissed my temple and sighed.

"We think the same Cam. I know that. And I know we're working on communication so I'll try and help work on that."

"You're doing better." I said.

He let out a small chuckle. "Thanks." He said.

I glanced at him. He continued looking out on the water.

"You know even through all of this shit that we're both going through, I would not want my life any other way. I cannot imagine my life not ending up like this. I don't know what kind of man I would be without you." Lloyd said. "Two beautiful kids. A good stable home. A great role model. A strong marriage, even when we don't feel it."

I nodded. "You made that happen. Trust me. If you hadn't just been there for me like you were that day we got fired, I don't think we would've ended up back like this."

"No. We would've found our way back. No one in this world matters more to me than you."

I smiled. He was genuine.

I rested my head back to look at the stars. "I'm sorry if my state of mind has been rubbing off. I try to hide it but you and Suzanne pointed it out so it's obviously not hidden."

"Suz and I know you. But do not apologize. You're allowed to have emotions. You're human believe it or not."

I gasped sarcastically. "No shit?"

"Yeah not too many people know that one." He said. He rubbed my shoulder and smiled.

I giggled. "I love you."

"I love you too Cammie."

•••

Lloyd rubbed my waist as we both drifted off. It was late now.

But god suzanne was right. We needed that.

I moved my head to kiss my husbands neck. It was dark in the room. The only light coming in was from the moon.

He swallowed as I pecked little kisses. He let out a small chuckle, making me pull away.

"What?"

"You're just so soft with it that it tickles." He said. I smiled.

"Good I love you." I said as I laid back again. He moved to rest his head on my shoulder, putting his leg up on me.

With him, I knew it would pass. Eventually it would pass and we would be happy.

The sounds of waves crashing caused me to become very tired.

"Camille I love you. And I wanna be here for you. I made that promise at that tiny church we found with two witnesses."

Lloyd stood with me at the alter. He had gray pants and a turtleneck on. I had a little white dress. Short and long sleeved.

"Camille, do you take lloyd to bd your husband?"

"I do."

"Lloyd, do you take Camille to be your wife?"

"I do."

"Lloyd. You may kiss the bride."

Lloyd stepped forward and pulled me in immediately. I could hear denny and Suzanne cheering, but just barely. It was just him.

I'm married to my best friend.

I pulled away and smiled at him. "I love you." I whispered.

"I love you. Goodnight." I whispered. Lloyd and I drifted off to sleep.