tw: explicit self-harm
please do not read if this is triggering for you.
I grabbed a small knife from the kitchen, hurried to the bathroom, locked it, and turned on the lights.
I was panicking. My abdomen felt like it was tied in knots. My heart was beating insanely fast, and my head was in a haze and mushed with morbid thoughts. I rubbed my shoulders anxiously.
I fell on the hard bathroom floor and pushed my back against the wall.
Tears started to bubble and burst out of my brown orbs. My neck was heated up, and I buried my face into my arms while holding tightly onto the knife I got and was going to use to cut myself.
All of my logic disappeared.
I wanted to bang my head against the wall. I felt terrible about doing this again. I promised my mother that I would not cut myself again. But I knew that I could never keep that promise.
I stared at the grey blade in the center of my view. I then pulled the sleeve of my sweater up and studied my intact skin. I still had a small scar from the last time I cut myself.
For a few minutes, I just looked at my skin with blurry eyes stained with tears.
I placed the blade onto my skin. I started to press the knife deeper into my flesh. I started piercing my skin, making bloody scratches with the knife.
I did it again and again. Blood gradually started seeping through my scrapes.
I started feeling an aching pain radiating from my minor lacerations. I wanted to proceed with my self-harm to intensify the pain in the affected area of my body.
I stopped myself and unlocked the bathroom door. I quietly entered the kitchen and put the knife in its resignated place. I didn't want anyone to find out what I was doing.
I walked back to the bathroom and locked the door again. I kept the lights off this time. I dropped to the ground, placed my back against the door, and sobbed bitterly.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted help.
