INTERNAL CRIES

Kabanata 16

Kabanata 16
Someone


I remember when I woke up from a deep sleep; I felt nothing—like literally nothing. I don’t remember either what I am doing or where I am. I don’t know anything—not even my name. All I know is that I have been inside the hospital room for a long time—in a foreign place. I can feel it. I am not from here. I feel like I am lost the moment my eyes open.

I looked up when the door creaked and opened. Sumungaw roon ang isang matandang lalaking sa pagkakaalam ko ay siyang ama ko. He explained everything to me and showed me some videos about me and him, kaya alam kong totoo ang sinasabi niya.

"Kenna, aren’t you going to have your breakfast?" nakangiting tanong ni Daddy sa akin kaya agad ko itong nginitian.

"I will be there, Dad; I just fix myself." Nang tumango si Daddy at sinara ulit ang pintuan ay nagpakawala ako ng buntonghininga.

So far, wala na akong naramdaman na masakit dahil sa sakit ko dahil tuluyan na akong gumaling. Sa loob ng tatlong taon ay tuluyan na rin akong gumaling matapos ang maraming follow-up treatment sa akin.

Magaan ang loob ko nang bumaba ako sa hagdan at nakita si Daddy sa garden, nagbabasa ng newspaper, habang hinihintay akong makasabay kumain.

"What is your schedule for today, Kenna?" tanong ni Daddy at binaba na ang diyaryo para magsimula nang kumain.

We start eating.

"I'm going to have photoshoots of the newest Channel design, Dad. May meeting din ako para sa bagong brand na pagmo-model-an ko." Tumango si Daddy sa akin.

Following my treatment, I was summoned to a meeting to model for various luxury brands, including Channel. I am quietly successful in my career. I also pursued my modeling career since ito lang trabahong pinayagan ako ng doctor matapos ang treatment ko. So far, I've enjoyed it a lot at hindi naman ako nape-pressure.

"Nasabi ko na naman sa iyo na uuwi ako ng Pilipinas, Kenna, right?" saad ni Daddy kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya bago tumango.

"Yeah. I didn’t forget about it, Dad. Unfortunately, I can’t go with you yet since I still have contracts here," saad ko. Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagkain.

Daddy told me about it already, though gusto ko siyang samahan, I can’t yet dahil may mga kontrata pa akong dapat na tapusin. I just can’t terminate it dahil sayang din. Ayaw ko ring ma-pressure si Asher kapag biglaan akong magpa-terminate ng kontrata.

Napag-usapan na rin namin na susunod na lang ako sa pag-uwi kapag tapos na ang trabaho ko rito. May tatlong buwan pa ako sa Channel bago matapos ang kontrata ko sa kanila.

"Once you’ve done your contracts, sigurado ka bang susunod ka sa Pilipinas? You’re doing quite well in your career here, anak, ayaw ko namang tumigil ka sa gusto mong gawin dahil lang uuwi ako."

Nginitian ko si Daddy dahil sa sinabi nito. "No, Dad, I’ll be with you."

Bumuntonghininga si Daddy dahil sa sinabi ko. He looked at me and smiled.

"I love you so much, Kenna."

"Dad, you know that I love you, too, so much, right?" He nodded at sabay kaming natawa.

After eating, my father went to his office for the meeting, and I did my job as well. Pagdating ko pa lang sa venue nang pagpo-photoshot-an ay agad na kaming nagsimula. Sunod-sunod at halos walang break dahil hinahabol ko rin ang oras para sa meeting ko.

Paglabas ko sa room ay agad na sumalubong sa akin ang kaibigan ko, na naging manager ko na rin na si Asher, isang Filipino-German gay, pero hindi naman halatang bakla dahil lalaki pa rin ang pormahan nito.

I met Asher at the hospital where I was treated. His brother—who is the same age as me—was also treated for cancer. And just like me, thankfully, he’s also fully treated. Asher offered me this job because he’s one of those sought-after managers dahil sa galing nito at sa pagiging maalaga sa mga hina-handle na mga modelo.

"It’s for you, from the pain in my ass’ brother.” Nakabusangot ang mukha ni Asher nang sumalubong sa akin at may dalang bouquet of flowers.

"Andie is home? Kailan pa siya nakauwi? And how’s he?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko nang binigay nito ang bulaklak na dala galing sa kapatid.

"He’s being a pain in the ass," reklamo nito, pero tinatawanan ko lang.

"He’s always been the pain in the ass, Ash, hindi ka pa ba nasasanay sa kapatid mo?" umiiling na saad ko.

Naupo kami sa conference room para sa meeting. Hinihintay pa namin ang mga ka-meeting dahil may sampung minuto pa naman kami bago magsimula.

"No, kaya nagrereklamo pa rin ako." Sabay kaming natawa ni Asher dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Ewan ko sa ‘yo." I shook my head.

"By the way, you won’t renew your contract in Channel dahil uuwi ka ng Pinas?" pag-iiba ng usapan ni Asher habang may binabasa ito sa laptop. Tumango ako at sumimsim sa juice na dala ng secretary nito kanina.

"Yeah. I’ll follow dad after the end of my contract."

"Gusto mo ba talagang umuwi ng Pinas dahil sa daddy mo o..." Asher trailed off his question, kaya nakuha noon ang atensiyon ko. I sat down properly and stared at him, waiting to continue what he said.

"O ano?" I asked.

"O may iba ka pang dahilan kaya gusto mong umuwi?"

I creased my forehead because of what Asher said. It’s true that I’ll go back to the Philippines for my father, but since Daddy and I talked about it, there is also something about me wanting to come back. I don’t really know what it is, pero feeling ko lang meron talagang dahilan ang kagustuhan kong makabalik. I just really don’t know exactly what.

"I don’t know. There is just something in me that wants me to go back to the Philippines. I just felt that I needed to come back the moment my father mentioned it."

"Baka may iniwan kang lalaki roon!" Asher remarked that it almost choked me from sipping on my drink.

"Or maybe you’re just hallucinating?" I responded by coughing hard. "Lintek ka, nabulunan pa ako dahil sa ‘yo!" I startled him, and he laughed hard as well.

"Malay mo lang naman, kasi hindi ba wala ka namang maalala." Asher rolled his eyes at me kaya napangiti na lang ako.

"And I’m thankful that I don’t have a boyfriend, Ash, kasi baka kung meron man, e naging pabigat lang ako sa kanya kung ganoon." I’m sure about it. I know I don’t have a boyfriend, kasi kung meron man, e ‘di sana kino-kontak niya ako o kaya ay kasama ko siya rito, hindi ba?

"E kung ganoon naman pala, why not sagutin mo na lang ang kapatid ko, para ikaw naman ang mamroblema at hindi na ako?" I laughed hard because of what Asher said.

"Ganyan mo na ba talaga ka gustong e-dipose ang kapatid mo at ipapasa mo na sa akin?" I laughed again. "If Andie hears this, I’m sure he’ll flop over just to be with you!"

Umismid lang si Asher sa akin at pinagpatuloy na ang pagbabasa. But what he said earlier remained in my mind, kahit na sinabi kong sigurado akong wala akong boyfriend. I am not different from the girls around me. I want someone who will love me unconditionally, too. And someone I will love with the same intensity. I want someone to come into my life who knows how to manage emotional trauma, who has intelligence, and who can give me the world without me even asking.

After I was treated for my brain cancer, countless nights went by, and I caught myself praying that maybe tomorrow I would find my soulmate, which would make everything feel like a book that Jonaxx wrote.

I want to have someone who notices me on a daily basis, respects me, admires me, and treats me like a priority rather than an option.  I want to have someone who wants to protect my well-being and invests his time in our own happiness.

I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to hurt other people’s feelings to protect mine. I want to date someone who chooses me under any circumstances. I want to be with someone who refuses to entertain any other person who’s not me. I want to date someone who will continue chasing me long after they have already met me.

I want to be with someone who will give me the love and affection I have always longed for—someone who appreciates and values me for who I truly am as a person inside and out.

After the meeting, dumiretso kami ni Asher sa restaurant para makapagtanghalian na. He said that Andie will be here at any moment, dahil panay ang pangungulit nito sa kapatid. Hindi nga nagtagal ay namataan ko si Andie na papasok sa restau. Nang-aagaw na naman ito ng atensiyon mula sa mga kumakain sa loob.

Just like Asher, Andie is just as handsome as his brother—same height, same eye color, same body figure, and the same handsome but different level of charm.

I shook my head as Andie waved his hand to us. Umismid si Asher, kaya natawa ako. Kahit kailan, para pa ring aso’t pusa itong magkaptid na ito. Pero kahit na ganyan si Asher kay Andie, alam ko kung gaano nito kamahal ang kapatid. He’s just like that whenever Andie is around. Hindi lang talaga si Asher showy when it comes to his feelings.

"You look like a shit, Andie," bungad ko nang makaupo ito sa harapan namin, agad namang ikinanguso ni Andie iyon.

"He said he’s sick, but look at him now, he’s here and ready to pester my day again." Andie groans because of what his brother said.

"Ang bilis mo namang magkasakit," saad ko kay Andie at napakunot ang noo. He pursed his lips at me like a child, kaya napailing ako.

"Sinong hindi magkakasakit? Sa sobrang init ng panahon ngayon, bigla kang nanlamig sa akin!" Andie said then sighed.

I bit my lip a little to stop the urge to laugh. Tang ina talaga nitong si Andie, kung ano-ano na lang ang pinagsasabi.

"Quit assuming, idiot," Asher echoed. Mas lalong napanguso si Andie dahil sa sinabi ng kapatid.

"Tss. I enjoyed being assuming anyway." Andie then rolled his eyes.

Tumawa ako pero patuloy lang sa bangayan ang magkapatid kaya napailing na lang ako. At least I know that they love each other. Ganyan nga lang sila mag-bonding.

"Ungrateful shepherd!" singhal ni Asher matapos kunin ni Andie ang kinakain nito.

"A handsome shepherd!" Andie corrected.

"An assuming shepherd—"

“A handsome assuming shepherd,” bawi ulit ni Andie.

“Kaya ka nila—”

"Hep! Magbabangayan na lang ba kayo o ano?" putol ko kay Asher kaya sabay silang dalawang lumingon sa akin. Asher did his signature roll eyes while Andie was grinning from ear to ear.

I rolled my eyes at them.

"Kaya ka walang girlfriend kasi nilalayo ka ni Lord sa mga mabubuting tao kasi ikaw talaga iyong masama!" pagtutuloy  ni Asher sa naputol niyang sinasabi kanina, kaya muntik pa akong mabilaokan.

"I started seeing someone, ‘no!" Andie counterfired.

"As in dating or hallucinations?"

Humagalpak ako nang tawa dahil sa tanong ni Asher sa kapatid. Andie gaped in awe kaya mas lalo akong tumawa. Hindi pa sana ako mananahimik kung hindi lang nilagyan ni Andie ng pagkain ang bibig ko!

Ungrateful shepherd nga!

"Tang ina mo, Andie!" I hissed at him matapos kong lunukin ang pagkain na sinubo niya sa akin. Sila na naman ng kapatid niya ang tumatawa kaya ngumuso na lang ako, pero kalaunan ay natawa na lang din dahil sa kulit ng dalawa kong kasama.

Nang tuluyan nang nanahimik ang dalawa ay seryoso na ang mga ito sa pagkain. Ganoon na lang din ang ginawa ko habang naglalayag sa isipan na, ‘what if I have siblings too?’ Ganito rin kaya kami kapag magkasama?

I know I have best friends from where I was born and raised. Nakakausap ko rin minsan si Joysie at Rhomisor na walang katapusang nagkekwento tungkol sa mga ganap namin dati. They showed me a lot of pictures and videos too. But unfortunately, I don’t have any siblings. I am the one and only heir of Escorial’s hacienda in Bukidnon, Philippines.

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GorgeousYooo 🍍