INTERNAL CRIES

Kabanata 06

Kabanata 06
Enjoy

Rhomisor drove away from Camp Philips to Lake Apo. It’s a two-hour silent trip, na ipinagpasalamat ko. I just let him bring me wherever he wants us to go now. Hindi ako magrereklamo, because that's what I needed right now. I want him to bring me to a far and silent place to ease my palpitating head.

The scene I saw in the restaurant keeps playing on my mind, kaya pinilig ko ang mukha ko sa bintana ng sasakyan ni Rhom.

I open the window and let myself feel the cold wind from outside. It also helped to lessen the pain I started to feel in my head.

Rhomisor didn’t utter a single word. Hinayaan niya lang akong tahimik na umiyak habang nakatanaw sa labas ng bintana.

Dati pa man ay nakikita na ako ni Rhomisor na umiiyak, pero hindi ko lubos na maisip na hanggang ngayon ay nakikita niya pa rin ako.

Bakit sa iba, nakakatagpo naman agad nila ang taong para sa kanila, at mamahalin sila habang buhay? Bakit pagdating sa akin, hindi?

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pagdating sa akin, hindi na patas.

It’s already painful for me to know that Kheeno isn’t in love with me, and he’s just forced to marry me. But it’s more painful to see how he enjoys Dalia’s company... and he chose her over me, and I can’t even blame him. I can’t complain about him, kasi kasalanan ko ito. Pinili ko ito, kaya dapat ay panindigan ko at paghirapan ang lahat ng consequences na nangyayari.

Hindi ako makareklamo na dapat ay hindi na siya sumasama sa ex niya, kasi wala naman talaga akong karapatan. We’re just married on papers, kasi kagustuhan ko iyon. We’re married because of love, he married me because he doesn't have a choice. He married me because that's what I wanted. He married me out of respect to my father.

So now, who wouldn't hate me for that? Should I expect him to embrace me and give me a wide smile because of what I did? Should I expect him to be happy, because I stole him from his fianceè; to the person he truly loves? Should I expect him to respect me, even if I couldn't give it to him? Should I expect him to love me despite the stupidest thing I’ve done to him?

I feel pity for myself, and I feel bad for Kheeno.

I sat down on Rhomisor's car’s hoodie na naka-park sa harap ng lake. Inabutan agad ako nito ng tubig bago tumabi ng upo sa akin.

"Salamat," I whispered and drank it.

I wanted to mock myself. I’m here soaking myself with someone else’s presence because my husband was with the woman he truly loves the most. And it hurts me so bad knowing that I’m pretty sure he was with her last night. The lipstick stain on Kheeno’s polo was from Dalia. I’m hundred and one percent sure of it.

I looked afar and watched those couples who were now riding on horses. They were laughing like there was no tomorrow, and I can see how they love each other.

That is the relationship I’ve been craving for— for us, Kheeno. But even heaven and earth collide, that won’t happen. Kheeno’s eyes were spitting anger towards me, kaya kahit anong gawin ko, I know he won’t forget what I did. He won't forgive me, no matter what. He won’t like me even if I’m struck by lightning.

"I won’t ask you anything, Ken, but I want you to know that you can always count on me. I’m always here for you, ready to lessen whatever’ s runnin’ on your mind.” Rhom held my hand and rested his other hand on the top of mine.

I bit my lower lip and nodded at him.

I know it. From the very start, he was always there for me. He is my knight in shining armor. He is my favorite person, aside from my parents and Joysie, of course.

Nagbabadya na naman ang mga luha ko dahil sa sinabi ni Rhomisor. Alam kong alam nito ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Alam kong alam niya na ang kapatid niya ang dahilan kaya ako nasasaktan. He always knew that.

Pilit akong ngumiti kahit na gustong-gusto ko nang humikbi.

"M-Masakit,“ I murmured. Iyan lang ang masasabi ko, because all the feelings I have right now, getting hurt is the one that's visible to me. "N-Nasasaktan ako,” I added, at agad na pumiyok ang boses ko.

Marahas na bumuga ng hangin si Rhomisor kaya napayuko ako. Feeling ko, sobrang nakakahiya ako. I insisted on marrying Kheeno, tapos ngayon iiyak-iyak ako sa harapan ng kapatid niya? Rhomisor should get angry with me too, dahil sa ginawa ko. But instead of getting angry, he’s here, beside me, comforting me from getting hurt because of his brother.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at dumapo iyon sa tahimik at kalamadong tubig ng lawa. Tanging mga halakhak, kwentuhan, at asaran ang naririnig ko sa paligid mula sa mga taong namasyal ngayon. They’re all happy, ako lang yata talaga siguro ang nagdadalamhati ngayon.

"I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t have any rights either... kasi ako iyong nagpumilit e." Humikbi ako. Sobrang nasasaktan ako e.

“Kung hindi ko lang sana siya pinilit sa mga bagay na ayaw niya, hindi sana siya masasaktan ngayon,” saad ko. “I know he’s h-hurt. I hurt him from stealing him from the person he l-loves the most.”

Narinig ko ulit ang marahas na buga ni Rhomisor ng hangin bago ito tumingala. Even the clouds are calm and at peace. Ako lang talaga ang hindi.

"Don’t say that!" mariin na usal ni Rhomisor, kaya ngumiti ako kahit na tumutulo ang mga luha ko.

"Y-You just don’t know what I did," mahinang usal ko at pinaglakbay na naman ang mga mata sa malawak na lawa.

There are so many things running through my mind, at hindi ko alam alin ang uunahin kong iisipin.

"Yes, I do, Kenna.”

Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi ni Rhomisor. I’m pretty sure he doesn't. And if he ever knows, I know he’ll get mad at me too. He’ll understand his brother’s wrath towards me. He’ll understand why his brother did this to me. He’ll understand why his brother hated me so much.

Inubos ko ang oras ko sa panunuod sa mga sumasakay sa kabayo. Some go jet skiing, and some just go bamboo rafting, kayaking, and fishing. At kahit papaano ay gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.

Alas siete na ng gabi nang matapos kaming mag-fishing sa lake. Nag-enjoy ako kahit papaano, and even forget my problems for a while. Kumain muna kami ni Rhomisor bago bumiyahe pabalik sa Camp Philips dahil hindi naman kami nakakain kanina. Dumiretso na kasi kami rito. Kaya naman alas nueve y medya na nang nakarating kami.

Pagod ang katawan ko nang ihatid ako ni Rhomisor sa bahay ni Kheeno, na kung hindi ko lang naalala na may asawa na nga pala ako ay sa mansion ako nagpahatid.

I am tired physically, mentally, and emotionally.

"Ingat. And thank you for the day, Rhom, I really appreciate it and enjoy it!"

“I know,” he shrugged and laughed. “Just give me a ring if you need me, I’m just one call away.” He smirked and then winked at me.

“I know,” I mocked him, dahilan para matawa kaming dalawa.

“It’s getting cold, Ken, get inside already,” he said, kaya ngumiti ako at tumango.

“Drive safely, big boy, and good night,” saad ko at ngumiti sa kanya.

I waved my hand once, bago tuluyang nawala ang sasakyan ni Rhomisor sa harap ko.

I blew a loud breath bago nagpasyang papasok na. Pagtalikod ko para sana buksan ang pinto ay nabunggo ako sa katawan ni Kheeno, na ngayon ay naka-igting ang panga at seryosong nakatitig sa akin.

“Fuck!” I muttered and held my chest in surprise.

Kheeno watched me intently. He’s holding a glass with alcohol on it, at sa lapit namin ay naamoy ko na ang alak ininom nito.

“You enjoy it, huh?” he said coldly then growled.

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