I Want You To Be My Last

Part 26 : Confessions

He set his phone down on the coffee table with shaking fingers, nervous and equal-parts giddy. He stared, contemplating picking his mobile phone up and leaving it where it was, certain it was the anticipation causing the buzzing in his ears and the almost unbearable prickling at the back of his neck the longer he sat there, wondering what to do.

He couldn't, for the life of him, tell if it was just his nerves acting up or if it was something else that ought to concern him. After all, his hands shaking so badly like that might mean something was wrong with him - it was worrying in a way, yes, if he was going to be completely honest about it - but he was certain it wasn't anywhere near life-threatening, or so he hoped.

He screwed his eyes shut and sighed. He was being stupid for no reason, worrying, even wondering when he should have already known. What else could it be when he knew exactly what this meant, his whole being remembering this feeling all too well that it was almost absurd?

It had been months, yes, but it wasn't long enough for him to forget. These emotions he'd only ever experienced in P'Mew's presence (before all this shit happened), or anything that concerned the older man really, and it was obvious that the lack of interaction between the two of them for months on end changed nothing.

At least on his part that was crystal clear.

Apologies may not even be enough, but I'll still take my chance. If it's not too late, if I still can, can I call you tonight?

God, did P'Mew even need to ask? Gulf had only been waiting, had fought with himself to remain as patient as he could hope to be and made no move to call or see P'Mew all this time when he'd have done the complete opposite if it was up to him. He was asked to wait, and was made to promise not to ask questions until P'Mew was ready to give them. Clearly, the older man hadn't counted on the exact same thing he was trying to avoid literally popping up on his own IG account for everyone to see not even an hour after he'd asked Gulf to be patient with him, but that was exactly what had happened.

He knew the risks, the dangers of doing something that would ruin years of hard work, but it still didn't make it any less aggravating, deciding to keep his word, keeping his end of the bargain when he could have settled on being brave. P'Mew keeping his distance, and his silence, meant so much more than what appeared on the surface. It was difficult being kept in the dark, yes, but he'd known then that it was done to protect him as well.

He should be thankful, really, despite his uncertainties. But instead, he felt quite the opposite; the ache in his chest refused to go away, more so now that all he wanted was to hear P'Mew's voice once again and yet there was only this silence that made everything even more difficult to bear.

Just call me. Please. he begged, mentally, his gaze zeroed in on his phone sitting there, contemplating picking it up for what seemed like the fifth time in the last two minutes. He would keep begging if he had to, knowing he would have done the same if only he'd been brave enough to do so before. Part of him knew he couldn't have been the only one who'd suffered, who'd fought to keep it together despite missing that one person he hadn't realized had become so important to him, but the pessimist in him didn't seem too convinced.

If anything, it was one of the things he'd regretted too. Not being able to admit the truth to P'Mew when he could have done so before. How much the older man meant to him despite their admittedly short association with each other. And he honestly thought it already was too late, then; when he had to watch P'Mew leave and then hearing nothing from him since. It wasn't just the 'not knowing' part that hurt - he'd understood that one better than anyone seeing that P'Mew had preferred it that way - but it's the fact that things might have turned out differently had he not decided to be obedient and did what he was told instead of the opposite.