Chase and Madelyn: A love story

Chapter 25

TW: Self harm (detailed). 

Madelyn's POV:

The next morning we ate breakfast and gathered in the common room for group therapy. They split us up into smaller groups so it wouldn't be as overwhelming. I actually slept through the night but I missed Chase so much.

Erica was going to lead the group therapy session.

"Alright everyone, gather around." She said to 7 of us. It was me, Rachel, and a couple other girls that I didn't really know but they were nice.

"Madelyn, would you like to start us off today? Why don't you begin with what brought you here?" She asked.

I hesitated, "Um," I said while looking around the circle. I could feel my face getting red and hot. "I feel like that's personal, like that's between me and my therapist." I said with an uncomfortable chuckle.

"I get that this is an odd concept, Madelyn. But the nice thing about group time is that most of us have experienced something similar to what you've experienced. This is a judgement free zone, and nothing leaves this room without your permission." She explained.

I nodded.

"Also, you can pick what you share. If something feels too personal or upsetting for you to tell the whole group, you don't have to, but we're all here for you. We want to listen and give advice." Erica said.

Rachel gave me a soft smile from across the circle which made me feel more at ease. I knew they weren't judging. 

"Ok, well I came here as a last resort...against my will." I began. "I was cutting myself and also struggling with an eating disorder again." I said.

"What do you mean by last resort?" She asked.

"I was hospitalized a couple months ago and even though I was in therapy, I kept self harming, so my family and friends didn't know what to do anymore." I said.

"Is there a reason why you kept self harming?" Erica posed.

"I don't know, I guess I needed to let the bad emotions out somehow and talking about them wasn't fixing anything." I replied.

"What are you feeling when you harm yourself?" Erica asked.

I practically forgot that there were other people in the room and that I wasn't only talking to Erica. "I start out as really upset and sometimes I'm crying, but then after I do it, I'm numb and empty." 

"I understand that. Even if you are feeling physical pain in the moment, there may not be a correlation to emotional pain. Are you hoping to get anything out of your time here?" She asked.

I laughed. "Well I'm not really here on purpose." I joked. 

"What is your goal before you leave?" She rephrased.

"To stop cutting, to not feel the urge or to act on the urge." I replied.

"Great job, Madelyn. Thank you for your bravery. Can we all show Madelyn some support for being open and vulnerable today?" Erica said.

The girls snapped their fingers and smiled gently at me.

"Good job!" Rachel said enthusiastically.

Everyone in the circle spoke throughout the rest of the session. One talked about drugs, another talked about her relationship with her mom, others talked about their diagnoses. People would give feedback and ask questions. 

"Everyone did great today, we'll pick this back up tomorrow. A nature walk is next on our schedule!" Erica said.

I felt a bit better. Even though it was only the second day, I had gotten the gist of what it would be like for the next weeks.