Fantasia

XXIX

July, eleven years ago

"I can't believe this!"
"Brett, you don't understand..."
"What? Eddy? Explain it to me then!"

Eddy wanted to cry. In fact, he already felt hot tears threatening to spill over and his lips were quivering out of fear and disappointment. How did they even get into this situation? They never fought. Never! And now over something like this? He stuffed his cold, slightly trembling hands, courtesy of the Australian winter air, into the pockets of his jacket and averted his gaze. Suddenly, his shoelaces seemed so much more interesting than his best friend's almost angry features.

"I'm different! I'm not like you", he tried meekly
"You don't have to be like me! It's not about that. It's about you fucking doing what you love! What you thrive at!"
"I can never tell her! Never!"
"Fuck it! Eddy! Application is due next week!"
"I know Brett!", Eddy yelled, for once ignoring the passerbys, turning their heads with wide eyes. "I know! I've stared at the date for what must have been hours." He felt like every fibre of his being knew that application closed in six days. "But there is no way I can convince my mum to let me go to the con! No way she'll let me."
"You have to at least try! And it's your future, your life. Why can't you fucking decide what you want to study?"
"Because she'd never approve! And we'd just fight and I can't have that! Not after..." Now the stupid tears were flowing down for real. Great!

Brett's facial expression softened instantly.
"Hey", he said, his voice matching the gentleness in his eyes. He came closer and closed Eddy tightly into his arms. It wasn't a hug best bro's would normally share, but who cared at this point? Eddy returned the hug instantly, holding on to Brett for dear life like he was the only thing keeping him afloat in the stormy sea that was his heart.
"Hey", Brett said again, quietly, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you. I know it's even harder for you now to tell your mum after... you know. I just don't want you to have any regrets someday. You deserve to follow your heart like everyone else."
"How?", Eddy sobbed like a three year old. If it wouldn't fucking hurt so much, he'd be super embarassed, but there was no space for any kind of shame in his grief right now. "My dad's gone! And now I should just break my mum's heart again by telling her her only son is going to do music just like my sister? She's devastated, Brett. And I can't make her life even more miserable. I simply can't..."
"But it's not your responsibility to make her happy with your choice. It is your responsibility to stand up for yourself and your dreams." Brett patted Eddy's back while stating his view. A view Eddy would share for everyone else but for himself. It was different for him. He just couldn't...
"At least try", Brett whispered next to Eddy's ear, "Give your mum more credit. Maybe she'll understand. Remember when I told my parents? I thought it'd be horrible! That they'd disown me and stuff, but they didn't! Your mum sees how much you practice. And you got second place for the competition last year! You just have to at least try Eddy. For no one else but for yourself! You have to!"

And it was in this moment, with Brett's soft, but strong words still echoing in Eddy's mind, when for the first time in his life really, he truly started to consider.

Should he? Should he dare to bring this up and tell his mum the fateful "I want to study music and become a professional violinist"-phrase? It was all Eddy wanted, he didn't need Brett to tell him that. He'd just figured, probably unconsciously, that Eddy Chen couldn't have what he wanted ever. That he was destined to do what was expected from him. That he'd be stuck in some mediocre job which would make his mum proud.

But what if not? What if he could really pursue his dream? Do what his best friend already started, become better at his instrument so he'd eventually be able to share the art?

Could he really start following his heart?

"... Maybe I will..."
He felt Brett freeze and hold his breath. "What, really?"
"You're right. I will regret it if I won't at least try." Eddy sniffed and brushed his tears away haphazardly, as well as it was possible with Brett's arms around him.
"Wow", Brett made, let Eddy go and looked at him. Eddy stared back, disregarding his probably very ugly looking face. Brett had seen it all anyway the last few weeks, after his dad's passing...
"What? Haven't you tried to persuade me just now?"
"Yeah, but still..." Now, Brett's smile was growing by the second. "It's gonna be awesome! You and me at the con!!! Imagine, bro!"
He put a hand on Eddy's shoulder. "I'm super proud of you, Eddy. And it would be such a waste if you weren't going to do music!"
"Hey, hey." Eddy wiped the last of his tears away. Now, that he made a decision, he could feel his excitement grow, his poor heart starting to beat nervously. Oh man. Was he really going to do this? Tell his mum?
"I'm not in yet. Not even close, so hold your horses."
"Yeah, but you're going to be! I'm a hundred percent positive!", Brett beamed.
Eddy couldn't help himself and ask sheepishly, "You really think so?"
"'Course, bro! You're the best violinist I know. Personally I mean. You're better than many in my year." Brett sounded genuine. "And your mum knows that too. She's gonna be fine with this, I promise."
"You don't know her", Eddy said after a while, his voice weaker than he'd liked.
"I do know her a bit. I mean, she's strict and all, but she cares for you. I can see that. She's quite similar to my folks and they budged eventually, didn't they?"
Brett's cheeks were pink and that wasn't only because of the cold. They were glowing out of enthusiasm and it would be very hard for anyone, but especially for Eddy to not get pulled into Brett's mood like this.

"Yeah, maybe I do have a chance!"
"Yes! That's the spirit! And I'll be right beside you if you want me to be!"
Eddy took a deep breath. Wow! Was this really going to happen?
"I don't know, man", he said and sat down on a nearby bench, his knees suddenly feeling very unreliable, "I feel like I have to do this one alone."
Brett nodded. Eddy knew he'd understand. Brett had not wanted to have Eddy in the same room when he'd had that particular conversation with his parents.
"Please be nearby though?"
"'Course mate! Anything you want! I'll be around."
"Okay....okay..."

"Hey!"
Eddy looked up into his best friend's strong eyes.
"It's going to be okay. Even if she gets mad, she has to let you go at some point."
"Yeah... yeah, you're right, I think..." He brushed through his hair.
"Eddy" Brett knelt down on the cold concrete floor so he could be on the same eye level with the other. "It's gonna be fine. I'll be around if shit hits the fan. Okay?"

If Brett was going to be around, it simply had to be all right. So, Eddy squared his shoulders, took another deep breath and nodded.

Yes. He was going to tell his mother. And he was going to apply for the Queensland Conservatorium!