Fantasia

XXXI

July, eleven years ago

The cold was brutal on Australia this winter and yet, all Eddy wanted to do was to NOT enter his heated home, where his mum waited for him with the pot of greentea she always brewed when he got back from school. So he ended up doing some kind of unrhythmic tap dance in front of his house, hoping it would ease his nervousness.

"Shit! Am I really gonna..."
"Yes!", Brett interrupted way too loudly, causing Eddy to flinch, "You are! Now get your ass in there and tell her!"
"She's gonna kill me!"
"You have to send in your application tomorrow! It's now or never!"
"She's gonna kill me!"
"Eddy! Look at me!"
Eddy forced himself to do so, the wide eyes displaying all the piled up anxiety and sleepless nights he'd suffered throughout the last week. He'd even hurled once, that's how bad it had been.
"I'm gonna wait for you. Here. I'm not going anywhere, so you go in there and tell her and know, that I've got your back. Always!"

Silence, as Eddy took in those words in order to grow his courage. "Okay", he whispered. One last look at Brett's encouraging features and Eddy turned around and laid his hand on the door handle before he could change his dumb mind.

"Mum?"
"Oh, Eddy. Welcome home. Take some tea with you and the orange slices. Do you have homework to do?"
Eddy's mother was standing in the kitchen and was clearly having one of her better moments since Eddy's dad's death. Was Eddy really going to destroy this? Shouldn't he just let her have that and enjoy some for once tearless hours?
He shook his head in a way he hoped wasn't too suspicious, but who cared anyway? No! Tomorrow was the deadline. He simply had to go through with this now!
"I do have homework, but can we talk first?"

The glint that had just made the corners of her eyes crinkle was gone in an instant. Slowly, the small woman sat down at their dining table, her gaze fixated on her son. Eddy followed, drew out a chair with a echoing creak and let himself fall down on it, feeling ten times as heavy as a normal, cheerful Eddy would.

She cleared her throat. "What do we have to talk about?"
"Mum. I know this is a bad time, but I don't have a choice. I really wouldn't bring it up if it wasn't for-"
"Just say what you have to say, Eddy!"
The fire her eyes sent in his direction were burning him. Marking his soul. He gulped.
"I want to go to music uni, mum."
The fire intensified. Eddy flinched.
"What did you say?" Her voice was nothing but a mere whisper and yet, Eddy could hear every inflection, every articulation as clearly and loudly as she'd used a megaphone to roar next to his ears.
But Eddy knew he couldn't budge. He cleared his throat.
"I want to go to the conservatorium. Closing date for applications is in three days, which means I have to send in my stuff tomorrow. That's why I wanted to tell you today."

Eddy's mum closed her eyes for a few seconds. Her hand on the table clenched together in slow motion and he could see the veins on her forehead pulsating dangerously, like it always did when he messed up a test or forgot his stuff again. And when she opened her eyes, the raw anger in them led Eddy to lean away unconsciously, instinctively like a scared animal.

"You are not going to music university, Eddy!"
"But this is what I want", he tried weakly.
"You are not going to music university! And that's the end of this discussion."
"Mum, you don't understand..."
"Don't you DARE talk to me like this! I understand perfectly! You want to do something useless like music? Why? Because you don't want to work hard to actually become a useful member of society! To be able to sustain yourself and your poor mother, who's now alone and has to deal with her son's poor choices. I didn't raise you for you to do the same mistake like your sister did and I will NOT allow it a second time that my kid spends the best years of his life to learn something as pointless as music!" Her voice crescendoed throughout her monologue and reached an impressive peak of decibels at the end.
"But mum...", Eddy made, his tears already dangerously close to spilling over.
"Why, Eddy? How can you even THINK of something so stupid? Is it Brett? You want to be like him?"
"No, mum... Leave Brett out of this! It's my decision only.!" No need to tell her about Brett being the one motivating him to try. After all, it was still his own dream he was fighting for.
"You're spending too much time with this boy and that ends today."
"No! Mum..." Wait, did she really think she could forbid him to hang out with Brett? Suddenly, Eddy felt a flame inside himself starting to match the ones raging his mother on.
"Eddy! You are not going to the conservatorium! You will prepare for the med school entrance exam and that's it! That is what you were supposed to do from the start!"
"But this is not what I want for my future. I want to become a musician and play the violin!"
"You are NOT going to do any of this! Do you know how difficult it is to actually be succesful as a musician? You won't even get enough money to buy food or pay rent."
"I did win second place at the NYCC last year!", Eddy stated with what he hoped a firmer tone.
"Second place! Not first! Do you know how young those violin prodigies are? And only they can make something out of themselves. You are older than all of them and you've never won an important competition. I sent you to violin lessons to help develop your brain function, not for you to make a career out of it."
"Well, that's on you then, mum", Eddy couldn't stop himself to whisper.
Her eyes went impossibly large. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?", she cried, her fist slamming the table, causing the teapot to tip over and spill it's hot content all over the table and Eddy's pants.
"Yes!", Eddy raised his voice while he ignored the sharp, burning pain on his upper leg, "You sent me to lessons and made me practice for hours! That's how I started to love that damn instrument, love playing it! And I will continue to do so, no matter what you say!"
"Eddy! I am your mother!"
"BUT YOU ARE NOT ME!"

Never in his life had Eddy yelled at his mother. Never even raised his voice against her once and had just always stored all the eventual anger and frustration deep inside him. It seemed now the time had come where all of this came undone.

"YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ME AND I CAN DO WITH MY LIFE WHATEVER I WANT!"
"陳韋承 (Chen Weicheng), you are not talking to me like this!", she hissed, but Eddy noticed by her posture that the tables were turning ever so slowly. Even her using his Chinese name wasn't going to safe her.
"Yes mother, I am! Because you won't listen otherwise. I am going to apply for music uni because that's what I want to do. That's my passion and I'm good at playing the violin! And just because you think it's the right thing to do, to become a doctor, doesn't mean that it's the right thing for me."

His mum just blankly looked at him now, all the life seemingly drained from her being, her body a soulless shell. Seeing his mother like that broke Eddy's heart, but he knew he had to do this. For himself.
"Please, mother", he begged softly, "Please try to understand."
Time seemed to have frozen as a loaded, uncomfortable silence enveloped mother and son. Eddy held his breath. Would she budge? Would she finally let him do his thing?

And then, after what seemed like the longest time in Eddy's young life, she simply stood up, gave him one last look, turned around and disappeared into her bedroom.