Fantasia

LXXXII

"...Mum?"

Silence. Deafening silence. Eddy held his breath so he'd please, please hear her breathing instead, a rustle of her hair, something!

And then...

"Oh, Eddy."
The one called out was so surprised, so relieved that big tears immediately ran down the side of his face.
Her voice. She didn't sound angry, shocked, set back, disappointed.
"Mum...?", Eddy sobbed helplessly, "Are... Are you... okay?"
"Eddy, my dear boy. Why wouldn't I be?"
No, she was clearly not furious as he imagined she would be.
His mum sounded... glad!

"Because... I quit my job... without a backup plan", he sobbed again like a five year old, "But I had to, mum. I was so unhappy... but I know you were proud of me for doing this. You were happy."
"Oh, Eddy", his mum sighed, her tone now much more resembling his. Sad, with a tint of regret. What was going on? Why was she so nice to him, being understanding and all? Why wasn't she yelling at him like she'd done when he'd wanted to go to the con all those years ago?
"Eddy, my dear, dear son! You've always been so concerned about me and my well-being. Haven't you?"
"Of... of course!", he stuttered on autopilot.
"I am so sorry you had to go through this just because of my selfish wishes for you to be a useful member of society, to make something out of yourself, so I can show you off to people", she apologized. She apologized! What on earth was going on? Eddy was so shocked that the sobbing stopped without him realizing.
"I have pushed you, I know. After I... fainted and landed in the hospital, you told me you weren't going to study music. I was glad that you understood my concern for you, that you chose the way I wanted you to choose. But I should have told you not to do it. I knew deep down, that it was the wrong path for you."
"You...", Eddy began, realizing something as he relived the scene in which he'd talked to her at her bedside after she'd woken up, "You didn't say I had to go study medicine after you woke up. You didn't insist on anything in the hospital. I was the one..."
"No, I didn't bring it up. I didn't want to push you anymore after our argument. But when you brought it up yourself, I just went with it. I should have told you no. That you have to do what you want to. I didn't though. I was selfish..."
Was that really a small sob that had just escaped her?
"... I was so selfish and I told myself that this was good. That you made a lot of money and that the dream you had, playing the violin, didn't matter. That I knew better and you'd be happy eventually..."
"Mum...", he breathed, not knowing what to say to her spilling her insides, laying it out for him, admitting fault, making herself vulnerable.
She had never made herself vulnerable ever! She had never apologized before!
"But as the years went by, you appeared more and more distant. I told myself this was the price I had to pay for your well settled future, us growing distant from each other as more time passed. Of course, I also noticed you being unhappy, having no passion, no joy. A mother knows when something's wrong with her kid, even if they don't share anything. But I didn't want to admit that I had been wrong. That I was the reason for your misery. I pushed it away, kept telling myself that you were doing fine and that your job in Singapore was what you wanted. I was proud. I was wrong. Very wrong. And I knew that deep down. For quite some time."
"Why didn't you...", he hiccupped, "why... did you never... say..."

Confusion mixed itself in the storm of all the emotions rampaging inside Eddy. She'd known. And she'd never said anything. Never told him to change anything.
"You have all the right to be angry at me, Eddy."
A glint of exactly that lit up the hurricane, starting a wildfire in Eddy's chest.

Anger.

"You never... never said...", he pressed out.
"Yes. I never did. I wanted to, many times. But I was a coward."
"Why?? Why did you let me suffer, let me stuck in this situation which SUFFOCATED me when you KNEW!", Eddy yelled, dismissing that this wasn't in any way an appropriate tone to use in a hospital. Some little, sane part of his brain knew that he could have left this life long ago without his mum's approval. He was an adult, he could have made his own decisions. But he wasn't going to mention this and the bigger part of him wanted to scream at her, let out all the frustration that was apparently still stuck inside him, fueling the wildfire.

It was the first time he was screaming at her after their big fight.

Her voice was calm, when she answered, "I was a coward, Eddy."
"WHY? Why??? I was miserable and you fucking KNEW and you also knew that I was doing all of this for you!"
"I was afraid."
"FOR WHAT?", his scream echoed through the hall. Distant, fast steps approached and Eddy knew he'd crossed a line now concerning hospital rules.
See if he cared!

The woman on the other end of the line sighed heavily.
"I was afraid of losing you entirely."

Eddy's wide, wild eyes froze as the wildfire stopped, the hurricane stilled and his wrath vanished just like that.

His mum had been afraid. Of losing him.

A nurse came around the corner of the hallway, her gaze shooting lightning at Eddy as her long strides carried her centimeters in front of him.
"What on EARTH are you thinking, Mr.? We are in a HOSPITAL and if you're not quiet immediately, I WILL call security!"
"Sorry!", he mumbled, his mind however far away. In Brisbane. With his mum.

Losing him. She'd lost her husband already. And her daughter was in London. Far away.

"It's the most selfish reason, I know. Because I didn't want to lose you, I didn't want to admit that I have been wrong all this time. That you deserved to study and do what you want to. From the beginning! And that I should have been supportive. I didn't want to admit that I've been a bad parent, a selfish mother. I thought that if I'd say something now, you'd realize and you'd leave me for good. And then, I would be all alone. The more time went by, the more difficult it got. It was like my sins were piling up and the mountain grew and grew and if it was going to crash down, I knew I wouldn't survive."
"Mum..."
"And this is long overdue, I know. But I am so, so sorry for what I put you through. These past weeks, where you started looking for your friend, I haven't seen you this lively and engaged in a long time and it made me finally realize for good what I've done to you. What you've become because of me and how much you've lost. What I've taken from you. And I know..." Her voice broke. She cleared her throat, sniffled and tried to continue. "I know you don't have any reason why you should forgive me. You have every right to be angry at me and if you need time and space and don't want to see me at the moment... I would understand. I am so sorry for what I've done. For the words I haven't said, for encouraging you for the wrong things, for making you think you have to save me. I have been selfish for so long and you deserve to be free from any burden and from me. I'm sorry."

It was for sure one of the longest monologues Eddy had ever heard her deliver. And it was the first time his mother had ever apologized to him. The first time he had heard her saying words which diminished her authority.
It was also the first time where she was the one awaiting a verdict. And it hit him like a sucker punch in the stomach, because he knew exactly how she felt. He had just recently been in her shoes, anxiously waiting for another person's judgement.

Silence overcame them as images of Brett and him sitting on the marble floor in the yellow-lit corridor flew before Eddy's inner eye. He had been forgiven for his errors. For actually leaving another person. Wasn't it his turn now to speak out forgiveness?

Because yes, she had pushed him into becoming something he didn't want to with her expectations, spoken and unspoken. However, part of it had been because of her conviction that this was the best for him. That had always been the main reason for everything she'd done. And then, after losing so much, wasn't it self-evident that she had feared to lose him too?

Eddy scrunched his eyes shut and took a deep breath, hoping it would ease the nasty headache which started to torment him on top of everything.

"Mum, you still here?"
"Ye... yes?", she sobbed weakly.
"Mum, I..."