Fantasia

XXXVI

Silence is a funny thing. One would assume it is, well, silent. But sometimes, the most soundless moments can be so loud in your ear that you can't endure it. So you load yourself with a flood of information and sounds and impressions, so you don't have to face what is lurking deep within yourself.

It was that kind of silence which came over those two boys, sitting on the cold marble floor. Eddy had stopped talking. Stopped telling. Even the joyful music in the distance a few corridors away had stopped, but they hadn't even noticed it.

Brett stared at Eddy with wide eyes, Eddy was well aware. Yet, all he could do was to keep his gaze down on his propped up knee and endure all the demons screaming at him inside his head during the quietness.
He deserved that. So he'd just have to live through every accusation thrown at him, every sin he'd done even though he'd just tried his best to keep his family together.
Sometimes, trying his best was still not good enough. And was still hurting people.

And the person Eddy had hurt he was finally facing. And he had finally told him everything. Now all he had to do was to wait for that person's verdict.
Would he join in the chorus of those demons? Add another layer to the dissonance?
Eddy would understand. It was another thing he deserved.

What he couldn't understand was why Brett would choose to use this tone when he finally, finally opened his mouth.

"Eddy..."

It was pained, so very soft and most of all, full of compassion.
Eddy lifted his gaze to look into Brett's warm, open features.
He froze. What? Where was the anger? The disgust? The fury Eddy felt for himself whenever he looked back on what he'd done?

"Eddy, I am so sorry you had to go through all this alone."
A single tear spilled over Eddy's left eye as his ears caught what his brain couldn't process.
"What?"
How was it possible that Brett's gaze could envelope him in a way that Eddy felt the walls he'd built over all those years inside of him, around his heart, slowly started to crumble?
"I'm so sorry that all this shit happened to you."
Brett's words were a mere whisper. A whisper which led to more stones falling down from those damned barriers.
"But Brett...", Eddy stuttered. A sob escaped him. "I just blocked you out. Never contacted you again! Ignored you whenever you stood in front of my house or school!" His voice crescendoed until the word "school" echoed throughout the entire place. All this was just him repeating what the demons inside him were screaming anyway.

But Brett silenced them instantly. He leaned over, closed the gap between them and took Eddy into his arms.
"It's okay, Eddy. I understand why you did this. And I forgive you. I'm sure I did miss you like crazy and I was probably super worried, but I forgive you anyway. I don't know if you need to hear that from me or actual me in the actual world, but the me here just really wants to tell you: it's okay."

Eddy didn't dare to blink, as he lifted his arms to hold on to this wonderful person as strongly as he could, as a single tear turned into rivers of salty water flowing down his red flushed cheeks, as waves of sobs shook his whole body like he was a single leaf during a winter storm.

And Eddy cried, and cried, and cried. And the person he thought would turn away from him because Eddy had a decade ago, was there, holding him tight like he would never let him go ever again, saying gentle words from time to time, silencing the demons, telling him, that it was in the past. That it was forgiven. That he understood. That it was, indeed, okay.
Eddy never thought he'd rely on Brett's voice the way he did now. Like it was his lifeline. More than water. More than air even.

"I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay."
"I don't... I'm so sorry for what I did, Brett..."
"I understand. I don't know what I'd have done."
"I'm so sorry..."
"I'm not mad, Eddy. It's fine. You are a good guy and you only did what you felt like you had to do. It's really okay."
...

And when Eddy woke up the next morning, his pillow wet from his tears and his arms sore from hugging his blankets, he just continued bawling. He cried for the friendship that had ended a decade ago, cried for the decisions he'd made. But most of all, Eddy cried out of relief and gratitude, that even after he'd told Brett everything, Brett had still scooped over and hugged Eddy tight, just like back then, when he'd cried after his dad died, after he'd told his mum he was going to the con.
That even if Eddy hadn't been ten years ago, Brett was still, still there for him now.