Fantasia

XXXII

July, eleven years ago

Oh no. This was bad. His mother had never walked out of an argument with him. Well, they normally didn't fight and if there was just a hint of a dissonance going on in the family, she was usually the one to claim victory before an argument could even start.

But not today. Today, she had nothing more to say to that. And even though Eddy apparently got what he wanted, it was like he'd just experienced his biggest defeat.

Big tears made their way down the side of Eddy's shocked face and added to the large, dark spot the hot tea had left behind on Eddy's jeans just minutes ago. He didn't bother to wipe them away as one thought was looping non-stop in his mind, leaving him at the edge of insanity:

What have I done?

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, when his phone in the pocket of his pants vibrated, faintly reminding him that his best friend was still waiting for him outside.

"Eddy!", Brett yelled when Eddy staggered through the front door, silent tears still falling left and right.
"Oh, mate!" Brett didn't hesitate a second and hugged Eddy firmly, just like the day when he'd convinced Eddy to talk to his mother.
Which seemed like the biggest mistake Eddy's ever made right at this moment.
"How did it go? Man, you look terrible..."

Eddy cried silently into Brett's shoulder. It took him an eternity to calm down and another one to gather himself enough so he could utter some phrases to describe what had happened.
"I... I think I can apply..."
"Eddy!", Brett exclaimed softly, "That is great, isn't it? Why are you so out of yourself then?"
"Because I've hurt her."
"... Guess that was inevitable? Oh man, I'm so sorry it went like this."
"It was real, real bad, Brett", Eddy half whispered, half sobbed.
"Why?" Brett tightened his embrace even more.
"I screamed at her. I never do that! But she just wouldn't understand. Said something about how useless a music degree is and how I should go study medicine instead. So I yelled at her and said, how this is my life and that I have to decide on my future..."
"But Eddy, bro. That is really good what you've said!"
"She walked out on me."
Brett didn't comment on that, so Eddy continued, "She just left the room. Left me there. I don't know, Brett, but she looked real upset."
"Give her time", Brett consoled, "Maybe she needs a moment to accept that there is nothing she can do to keep you from pursuing what you love, right?"
Eddy shrugged weakly. "I don't know Brett", he said again, "Maybe she'll never talk to me again."
"Bullshit! Of course she will!"
"How do you know?"
"She's your mother! Of course she'll come around."
"I feel like I'm the worst son in the history of mankind."
"Don't be so hard on yourself", Brett said, loosened his hug and searched for Eddy's red, swollen eyes. "You are not! You're just doing what every kid has to do."
"What? Yell at their parents?"
"No. Go your own way. Choose your own way."

Eddy dropped his head. He had hoped that talking to his mother would be liberating, that he'd be proud of himself for standing up for himself. Instead, Eddy felt devastated for seemingly tearing his family apart with his self-centered wishes. Couldn't he just be the good son and follow his parents' guidance? Especially now, with his father being gone, didn't he have a responsibility to provide for them? And as his mother had just stated, being a musician wasn't exactly the most efficient way to do it. In fact, one probably had to spend an exorbitant amount of money for lessons and good instruments before one could earn anything.

The more he thought about it, the more Eddy felt like his mother was right all along. He should go for medicine, shouldn't he? Safe lives and earn a shitload of money, make her proud.
"Penny for your thoughts, mate?", Brett asked quietly.
Eddy shook his head. "It's nothing..."
"You're not thinking about caving, are you?"
Who was Brett? A freaking mind reader? However, hasn't it always been like that? Brett always knowing exactly what went on in Eddy's head wasn't exactly news, was it?
"A bit...", he admitted sadly. There was no point in hiding it from his best friend. There were times when Brett wouldn't ask further, but this was no such time. Whenever they were talking about something really important Brett would press until Eddy laid out whatever he was struggling with.
"Nah! Eddy! You're not going to back down. You are going to apply for music school. Now! Let's go to my place and fill out the application! Do you have all your stuff somewhere? Diplomas and shit? We can copy it at the con and hand in the envelope right there."
"Are you sure that's the right thing to do?" Because Eddy wasn't sure of anything anymore. Whatever he was going to choose, he'd either betray his family or himself. And his best friend.
"Of course it's the right thing! You'll thank me soon enough! Let's go!"

Good thing Eddy was limp by now so Brett could basically drag him along. And they did all the things required for Eddy to have a promising, exciting future as a violinist someday. However, as Eddy handed in the form to the lady at the front desk of the Queensland Conservatorium, there was no cheer inside him, no fanfare to celebrate his courage.

The only thing that remained was loud white noise rushing in his ears, closing out all good and happy things...