✓The Only Spark In My Life (MuiTan - TanMui)✓

Chapter Twenty-five - "..I decided to end it all today.. I am sorry.."

TW - self harm, suicide attempt

Muichiro's pov - 5 days later

I sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the bloody razor I held in my hand. I felt so pathetic.. I promised Tanjiro that I won't ever do this ever again but.. why is it so hard.. Why can't I suddenly stop? I was doing great so.. why am I back at this spot.. why does it seem so hard to just.. put the razor away and feel happy again..

I was so happy.. and just in one day.. I am back in the place I used to be in before, the dark empty place I hoped I'd never fall into ever again but.. here I am.. falling deeper and deeper into it.

"Should I tell Tanjiro about this..? What if I am not strong enough and can't do this alone.. b-but Tanjiro would be so disappointed in me.. and I don't want that.." I thought, once again not knowing what would be the right thing to do.

"I need to try more, I'll be fine.." I held the razor tighter "I-I'll be fine.." I held it even tighter, burying my face into my knees. I suddenly felt liquid dripping down my hand.

I quickly looked at my hand. I held the razor too tight and it cut deep into my palm. The cut was pretty deep but I just pressed toilet paper against it so it soaks up the blood without thinking about it more.

…

"You were in the bathroom for a while, are you alright?" Tanjiro asked when I entered the bedroom. I nodded "mhm, I was just feeling a bit nauseous, I am okay now" I lied with a smile.

"Nauseous? Are you sure you are okay?" Tanjiro asked and moved closer to me, pressing his hand on my forehead "T-Tanjiro I am fine" I said quietly while looking away from him.

"Did you throw up? Or d-" Tanjiro asked but I interrupted him "Tanjiro, I am okay, no need to worry"

"If you say so, next time you feel nauseous again just tell me, I'll help" Tanjiro said with a smile and I nodded, smiling as well.

I felt terrible for lying to him but it felt like it was the only option and I couldn't do anything else. There was an option of telling him, yes, but if I did he'd be just.. so disappointed..

…

"Mui~.. Mui! MUICHIRO!" I flinched a bit and turned to my right, seeing Kanao standing next to me "geez you keep spacing out, are you okay?"

I slightly nodded and rubbed my eyes "yeah.. sorry I am just tired" I said quietly, not being in a mood to talk.

In the corner of my eye I saw Kanao turn towards Genya and Tanjiro with a worried look before turning back on me "are you sure you're only tired? You've been like this for couple days now"

"Yeah I am fine" I said quickly with obvious annoyance in my voice "sorry.." I apologized right after.

"It's okay, you can rest now if you want. We have a long break so you can get at least an hour of sleep"  Kanao said and I nodded, not wanting to talk about it more.

I just closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, wanting to escape all these thoughts once again.

Kanao's pov

I sat closer to Muichiro and ran my fingers through his hair, knowing it helps him relax and maybe he'd fall asleep a bit faster.