The Wonders In Our Head

.mature.

Never really knew the outcome of our breakup
Came up really intrusive
It was hard to keep up,
Always in a state of constant nerves
It was so hard to open up
And when you'd talk, my mind would clear up
A fog lifted in the dark

After I blamed you
I came to know it was my fault too,
Spent months thinking about why you would cheat
Never really going in the roots.
But i guess things get revealed when you least expect it
And it wasn't that long until I realised
I was the monster I was saving myself from.

Nothing hurts more than knowing you're the problem
That you are the reason things spiraled down the loop,
You tried to level up
But ended up falling down deeper.

It was our fault and it meant that it was mine too
But I was too in pain to realize
That you were hurting in the past I put you in
I realized the gravity of the hurt you felt
When you finally left for the person who loved you more than I did
I realised that I could have done better after it was finished,
After we were finished.

left in the dark I kept screaming,
Crying for you to come back
I never really told you what I'm feeling
Coz I'm just so down in it.
The demons that hurt you stayed with me
They could only hurt you
But they killed me.

Did you ever know how I held my breath every night?
I suffered from the pain I gave you.

The suffocating realization,
I ruined the love I yearned for
How can you think I'll be okay?

Couldn't keep my parent's love,
Couldn't keep my brother's secrets,
Couldn't help my best friend get over her depression,
Couldn't help the backbencher with his homework that day,
I just come to a realization
I keep on ruining everyone's life
This kept me up every night.

A year it passed by
Tears resonate as trauma in your eyes
And I wonder the reason for our self-isolation
While we are both battling our own fucking demons

Both of us in different ways
Frequently looking back on the pain we suffered
We don't talk about how we hurt each other
While we feel it often

Your friends blame your sadness and the heaviness of your heart on me
This time I shall not argue but simply accept,
The hurt was too much to keep it the same
So I simply did what was meant to be done
But hard to maintain

I matured from the pain that killed me
Building the wall so high before I could kick the demons out
Leaving everyone clueless about the war I fight every day with myself.

I can only let one person be hurt,
And since you already paid the price so high,
I will be the only one,
Who matured too fast.

.2/5/23.