The Wonders In Our Head

.5-Year-Old.

I feel everything and nothing at once. But because I don't know what it really is, I just breathe and let it be.

Let the unknown thoughts just sit and slowly make their home in me as if I was never that girl who made an entire other world so her presence wouldn't bother the one in which she stays. I let my choices gamble around my life as if I never stayed up late to wish to God to keep as long as they would keep Rapunzel's hair; long and full of volume.

I never truly understand what's going on in my head so I still myself in an attempt to drown the worldly noise and transport myself in my head and find it empty, it was all a trap. As I make my way out of my mind and into reality I notice the door close and the voices mocking my foolishness as if I was that dumb character who never joined the dots. they circle me around and make me powerless and drain me of what makes me me. I roam around talking myself out of this tragedy but when I look in the mirror it all just makes sense, they Were never lying, just the truth. The truth I still can't digest. I try to tell myself I'm worth it but with me trapped inside at their mercy, it's hard to break through. It seems easier to let them tie my hands and shove me in the backyard where all the past versions of me were buried without their consent, and when I try to break through it feels as if I'm cutting myself deeper.

The pain gets my eyes open and I wince to the sudden light, gasp at the wound at my wrist, and wonder what made me do the unthinkable. I stare at the mirror with a blank face, the blood seeping out into the basin and I just wonder if maybe I should just get back to class and continue learning The alphabet, when I hear a scream, a familiar voice and I'm confused at the scene playing out. Who are they and how did I end up here? I looked in the mirror and a scream escaped my mouth, who is this girl and what happened to me? I slowly make my way to the unknown passages and somehow end up in the senior's class. They seem to disregard my presence and I'm glad at least there was something that never changed. I feel my hand and my heart, I hear the words spoken by the people. I don't know what it is but unknowingly I join in the conversation. Days just pass by and I wonder what's really happening. Maybe a really realistic dream, perhaps a warning? I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my Barbie when I realized it was not my family. Yelling, shouting, and abusing the body I'm in doesn't seem affected by it as it simply passes through the rooms to theirs, I fall to the bed a sigh escaping me but I wasn't even tired. I get up and look into the mirror again and I wonder how I made it there, everything was the same but it all felt different.

The innocent touch to my personality was gone. I caress the cheek and wonder where the handprints came from, a shout, a bang from outside and it all felt like home. The noises felt more dear than the warmth and silence of it all, the relations I had didn't make sense anymore. Who and where was I, I had to find out, what is this and how did I end up in this all?

All I remember was a girl crying about not being enough and now I'm in a body thrice my size who has given up on it all.

I look through my belongings and the photos, a gallery filled with cringe-ass selfies but I don't remember them, I don't think I remember anything at all. The mind's blank with the eerie silence that comes with the flashbacks, the flinching of the body without even an angry brother in sight. I halted by the stack of books in my cupboard and wondered when those long thick storybooks turned into the ones of the school. Papers, flashcards, and quotes of all the people I adore, and remember that it was never reciprocated, not once at all. I felt enclosed, like the non-existent walls closing on me; something was extremely wrong and I had no idea what.

I just wanted to get out of this body.

I felt forced down as if I never belonged, pushed down like you always wanted to do with me. I look around staggering, stumbling punching at every wall in sight but my body is in a place stoic and unbothered. I looked around and halted to a sight, it was me with a smile on my face. I reached out to see, but none of it was reality just a photo frame. The realization made me halt in my racing thoughts and I looked back carefully, yes that was it that's my family! That's me smiling the tears away while all I hoped was everyone in my family wasn't doing the same.

It made me think, did this already happen?

When did this happen? When did we happen to take a photo without anyone strangling one another? When did we master the act of pretending of pretending nothing was wrong at all? When did things get out of hand, to the point when it was just a play of manipulation?

And most importantly, when did I, a mere 5-year-old girl grow up?

The reality was too real to be ignored, it was plain truth that the years had passed when she was clawing at her head. She had hurt herself trying to heal people to the extent she normalized pain in her life.

It wasn't a dream come true, it was a nightmare come true.
And while the 5-year-old looked in the mirror, all she could think was,

I hope the next time I realize I'm a person will be when they'll be burying me in the mud.