Where Iris Bloom

Ch. 16 Here for now

"I find it so hard not to dwell on your fleeting memories. I'm still missing you even after those years, love. It's still difficult for me to let go of you completely especially when you have basically became my world. I am not sure if I can totally move on from us and get over with the love we had. I'm sorry it took me so long to come and visit you again." I paused and closed my eyes, feeling the gush of wind against my face.

Are you here with me right now, my Becca?

"Would you get mad if I'll tell you I met someone?" I smiled and stare at her faded tombstone with her name etched on it. "She reminds me so much of you, my love. You have the same quirks but there will never be crazier than yours." I chuckled reminiscing her crazy antics, my lovely goofball.

"I hope you forgive me for having an infatuation with someone else. Maybe I'm just harboring the same feeling of familiarity that I felt with you because I'm missing you so much. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused? Or maybe I'm just longing for the same feeling you made me feel. You know, there are still times that I wish you come back to me like all of this is just a nightmare and when I wake up, you're gonna be here, dad's gonna be here." I sighed trying my best to not the lurking loneliness pull me back in.

"I can't help but to think of it, if only you're still here, maybe just maybe, we're married now and raising our first born. Your own brand that you have dreamt of launching would be so successful by now." I smiled sadly envisioning the future we had planned together .

"Had I really known, I should've gone with you that night. I shouldn't have let you go out that door without saying I love you too. Maybe had I said I love you back, it will feel a little less painful. I'm sorry, love. I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to save you that night. I wasn't even able to get to you in time to say good bye." I remember that night, the moment I set foot on that hospital, I frantically trudged to where her parents are and asked for Rebecca. "I was so distraught when they told me that you were fighting for your dear life when you got to the hospital and everything they said after that didn't really register. Everything was a blurr when the doctor came out and let us know about your passing."

"It felt like someone jabbed my chest and I got choked out of breath. My throat clenched like I was being strangled I can't even manage to breathe sending that hollow ache on the pit of my stomach. I remember my knees giving up on me that if it weren't for your mom, I would've collapsed on the floor. It's like I have been drenched into an ice cold water leaving me out of breath. The pain, I could never explain how I felt that night. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. Endless tears mapped down my face while my soul aches for you."

Never in my wildest imagination that she'll be out of my life, not this kind of exit. The realization that I can never win her back nor have her back killed me inside. I couldn't bear the guilt thinking it should be me lying lifeless on that bed and not her. She still have a lot of things in store ahead of her.

"Losing you was the hardest reality I had to take in. Living in this world without your presence is something I had to learn and it was never easy given that I didn't have the choice but to deal with it. The first few days of your absence drove me insane. I can't even dare to look at you lying on your coffin without breaking. My chest heaved day and night because I had to choose where to attend between you and my dad." Recalling that moment brought a dull ache on my chest. It's something I wish no one would ever go through.

I withdrew myself from both of their wake and chose to imprison myself in solitude. I can't bear and refused to look at their smiling photo beside them while they are on their casket unable to do so.

The realization of not being able to speak to them, hear their voice, their laughters, and feel their warmth got the best of me so I retreated my presence. I was so in denial and rejected any bit of that reality. I felt like I have been robbed that I started to question God of what have I done wrong to punish me this way.