Stonehearts 8: Peridot

Forty: Kier Ignacio

"Kuya, magpahinga ka muna. Halos hindi ka na umuwi." That was Era, she's cradling my 3 month old sleeping nephew in her arms and I dare not to look up. Because I cannot look at her without my eyes stinging with tears and without my heart being gripped by jealousy.

I should be having the same with Peridot. But I fucked up. I fucking screwed up royally. I know Desiree's child is not mine. I know it in my heart and in my soul. However, Peridot is not going to accept that explanation. To her, I all but repeated the betrayal her father caused her and her family. 

She never verbalized it. But I knew, I knew she doesn't want to be Louella in this part our story. I cried, I begged, I even groveled for her to stay. I don't care if we're in the wrong, all I care is in this battle I have her by my side. She's the core to my very being. And now there's this big hollow space in my heart for which she left. 

Honestly, I really don't know how to go from when she left. I felt like a lost, sick puppy waiting for his owner to come back. 

"I'm okay, Era. I just need something to distract me or else I will self-destruct." I murmured, still my eyes focused on my laptop as I typed away things I do not really understand. It's like flying autopilot.

"Kuya, nag-aalala na sila Mama. Hindi lang nagpupunta rito kasi alam naman namin na sasabihin mong okay ka lang." She pushed.

I sighed. "Because I'm okay."

"This is worse than we imagined. Hindi ka nga nag-iinom, but you're practically drilling yourself to dust by working too much." She reprimanded. As much as I love her as my sister, my nerves are starting to act up at kaonti na lang pagtatabuyan ko na siya katulad ng ginawa ko kila Mama.

Hinilamos ko ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko, "Era, please. I don't need this right now." Not when Desiree is again asking the most ridiculous things.

Pagod na pagod na ako. Gusto ko ng matapos para maayos ko ang lahat at nang makabalik ako kay Peridot. She's my end, yet she's also my beginning. Alam ko kahit saan man ako mapunta, ano man ang mangyari sa akin, siya at siya pa rin ang pilit kong hahanapin.

I know she's in Iloilo with Aiden. She's camped down there and that her sickness has been acting up. Aiden keeps me on the loop on how she is and how she's doing. Wala akong ibang gustong gawin kundi iwan ang lahat ng gulo rito para makasama siya ulit.

But I cannot do that. It would be unfair for her. I need to be a man to fix my shit and be able to present myself again to her clean of my sins and mistakes. I know in my heart she'll accept me again, she all but welcomed me before, all tainted and soiled.

It's Era's time to sigh, "Okay, I'll leave you alone. But can you come to the house tomorrow? We're celebrating Emer's third month, tayo-tayo lang naman, Kuya. Baka naman this time pwedeng 'wag mo na kaming iwasan."

They didn't know the reason why I've been avoiding them. It's not only jealousy that clouds me whenever I see Era and Cael happy with their son, there's also pain and longing. And I'm only human, I barely make it day by day without Peridot, hindi ko na kayang may dadagdag pa.

"I'll try." I shortly answer. I heard another sigh before she announced her departure.

Later that day, I went to see Tanya. We've been meeting for a few times now ever since Peridot's absence. It wasn't easy at first to try to have a meeting with her, but after a few rounds of persuasion, I think she saw how serious I am of crawling all those steps back to her sister. And right now, seeing her, having Aiden's regular updates, they're the only thing that's keeping me from losing my mind. 

"She's okay, Kuya. Nakalabas na raw siya sa ospital. Katatawag lang ni Kuya Aiden kanina. For sure, i-u-update ka rin niya kapag may time na siya."