And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 1 Peace)

The chapters in this book do get better I promise, a lot of things happen and it's so worth to read :)

"So James, are you still having nightmares" Dr Raynor asked. She could tell something was off with him today, something was swarming inside of his mind and she could see right through him that it was possibly a nightmare. She was his therapist after all. She continued to stare at him for a moment, looking dead in his eyes as his eyes were looking blankly at the ground. "James I asked you a question, are you still having nightmares" Raynor asked again. He didn't look up right away, of course he heard her, hell he heard her the first time, but his nightmare that just happened last night, and the others that added on from his other nights was all he was really thinking about at this point. The pain, suffering, torture the people he killed had to go through felt like a knife stabbed him in the gut repeatedly.

The guilt he felt was almost undescribable, it was torture to him, he couldn't even look at his hands or his face half of the time before remembering what he did to all of those people and what he did to them. Bucky then looked up at her, seeing that she was looking straight into his blue eyes. He wanted to tell her, tell her everything, everything that's going through his mind, what he's thinking and what he's doing to himself to cope with his stress, guilt, and anger. Yes, he got angry, but not all the time, most of the time he would get angry though was when he did something wrong, or he thought about something, or remembered something that he didn't want to remember. When he did get angry, you might as well take a good few steps back or kiss your ass goodbye because he's not all cute and calm or has a serious expression on his face, No, it's much much worse. It seems as though that lately his anger or blood boils more easily, and he doesn't know why.

"No" bucky said, his voice low. She looked at him for a moment, seeing if maybe he would say anything else but nothing came out. She wishes he could just open up to her, tell her what he's going through, but the last time he even opened up was about a few months ago, and now, now he hasn't hardly said anything through any of their sessions since, for some odd reason though she actually felt worried for him. "We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying" she said. She knows something is up, the way he's not even really looking at her and sometimes fixing his gaze to the ground or to the shelf to his right that leaned up against the wall that had pencils, notebooks, and pencil sharpeners made her wonder. 'Did he do something, or had another anger episode' she thought. "Well you seem a little off today, did something happen recently" She asked. He kept his eyes on the shelf to his right, looking at all the stuff that was on it, but mainly the sharpeners, thinking of all of the things that did happen 'recently' nightmares, him having problems with his anger, self harm, those thoughts played in his head like a music tape that repeated itself.

He then looked up at her, his eyes meeting her's once again. "No" he said, after a long pause. She knitted her eyebrows together for a moment, getting just very slightly irritated that he still was saying no, like every single session that they had anymore, he would always just come back with the word 'No' most of the time. She took a breath in. "You're civilian now, the government needs to know that you're not gonna-" she said, raising her fist in the air acting like she was punching something. He watched her do that and it honestly hurt, hurt that people thought of him as a killer, or could still be a killer. It hurt that he did what he did to all of those people all of those years, even killing tony Stark's parents.

He shook his head, looking to his left out the window to the city. People walked by with smiles on their faces, some even laughing their heads off of their shoulders, and man did it make bucky jealous, jealous that he couldn't have what those people had. He looked back at her after a moment. "It's a condition of you're pardon...So, tell me about you're most recent nightmare" she said. She saw how he looked out the window, looking at the people walking by, she knew how he felt, she didn't know how he actually felt but she knew what it felt like to be jealous of others, to see them have a better life than yours. It hurts. Again, he shook his head more this time biting his lip in irritation as he looked out the window. He wanted to open up, to tell her what was going through his mind day in and day out. He wanted to tell her that he was tired, so tired because he had to force himself to stay up when it hit five o'clock. That's the time he would usually scream or jump himself awake due to his nightmares, and after he would have one he was terrified to go back to sleep.