And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 3 Fear)

Bucky woke up in the middle of the night on and off because of the nightmares. It was horrible, he was so exhausted, exhausted with life and his mental health, exhausted from being tired constantly because he can't get one peep of sleep before a nightmare rolls in. It was six o'clock and bucky said fuck it. He didn't care right now, he was just going to make himself stay up. He went to his kitchen and walked to his coffee pot that sat on the counter. He soon made coffee for himself, the smell of coffee filled the air. He loved coffee in the morning, it made him feel refreshed and calm somewhat. But right now it was eight thirty, Dr Raynor was going to be at his flat soon. Sure he didn't mind her coming over, but he hated when she would randomly walk around his house like she was looking for something. It wasn't any of her business what his flat held. She would always tell him. 'be carful with that gun you keep James, it's not some toy'

He wasn't fucking stupid, he wasn't going to blow his brains out or anything, he wasn't that type of person, he didn't even have the gut to do that...... Bucky was sitting on the couch, his cup of coffee was down on the floor beside the couch as he flicked through channels on the TV, seeing if he could find anything to watch. The news was on, but he didn't want to watch that. Football, baseball, tennis, basketball, all of that was on and he couldn't watch any of it. He clicked on SpongeBob then tossed the remote to his left side pretty roughly. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to do today or tomorrow, or the next day after tomorrow, all he knew was that Dr Raynor was coming over today. He huffed, but something flipped in his mind, something like, he was forgetting something, something he did maybe. He thought long and hard. What was he forgetting? Was it something he did or mabye wanted to do. He closed his eyes trying to think. He was clueless. Very clueless. The TV noise wasn't helping, it was making his thinking worse. He couldn't concentrate with the noise in the background.

"Come ON! god-damned it" bucky raised his voice. His blood boiled. He was getting warm by the second, his body heating up. trying to remember what he forgot, it was killing him, killing his mind. Ever since he came back from being the winter soldier it's hard to remember anything, it takes time to remember something. Of course now since it's been a while, he's gotten better at remembering things though, he remembers a lot of his past from the thirties and forties. A lot of memories with Steve and him. Him and Steve did a lot together, a shit tone for that matter, they would go to carnivals, arcades, movies, they would do pillow forts, ect. He really missed Steve, he missed him so much it broke his heart when he went. Steve was his everything to bucky, bucky loved Steve like a brother. They always had each other's side that's for sure. 'Till the end of the line' bucky smiled just slightly at the phrase. Steve and him were really close, they both loved each other. Bucky would skip out on going to dance with some girl to go hang out with Steve. Bucky jumped out of his thoughts when he heard knocking on the door. He was definitely not in the mood to do this today that's for sure, he didn't get hardly any sleep last night, well, he hardly does at all anymore. He doesn't eat much because he doesn't have the energy to, he doesn't even have the energy to pick up a spoon a fork to eat. He drank water and coffee but that's basically it. And even when he did eat, he would only eat like two eggs or an apple, maybe even a banana.

Again, he knew it was bad that he didn't eat, but he was so messed up that he couldn't hardly think straight, he's either always thinking about something, not eating and feeling like if he eats, he will gain weight. He cuts himself to make him feel better because he things he deserves the pain since he had killed and hurt all the people he has. He gets angry at the smallest things. He even got mad that he couldn't find a channel that he wanted to watch just a moment ago. He's scared to trust people, he does but he feels like it's hard to trust people after everything he's been through. He trusts Sam though, he does a lot. That's why Dr Raynor's here though, to help with his problems, to make him feel better and start a better life. Raynor was going to keep an eye on bucky though that's for sure, she can see that he's going through a lot, not in his life but in his head, like he's fighting with himself, fighting himself to do something he doesn't want to do, or fighting with his thoughts. That's why she's coming over today, see she was originally going to come over anyway, with bucky today, she's doing something different.