And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 14 remembering)

It was weird, it surprised him that he actually woke up from his sleep that night. Of course he only got about an hour of sleep but still, it was surprising that he fell asleep anyway after everything last night. Bucky woke up with a deep groan. His head was waving nonstop, waving with sharp pains that went through his head. His neck was hurting due to him throwing up so much last night, matter a fact his whole body just felt like shit. He felt like he got ran over by a semi. He lost way to much blood last night since he harmed himself and that wasn't a good sign. He knew right then that today was going to be shit. His eye lids were heavy and hard to keep open, they felt like weights were hanging from them. His arms stung with sharp needles of pain, feeling the bandages rubbing the cuts making them sore from trying to heal. He healed quickly, but sometimes it depended on how deep he would cut himself too. His stomach felt tight from all of the puking. He was really hungry, but he honestly couldn't even care less at this point. He was done, so done with himself, with everything in his life. He hated himself. He hated for what he did when being the winter soldier. God he couldn't even stand the thought of what he did last night, it made his stomach almost churn again.

He was worthless, so fucking useless. He laid on his stomach, his flesh arm over the side of the bed as his right leg was over the side as well. His vibranium arm laid at his side, covered with the blanket he was currently wrapped in. His left leg was bent upwards a bit. His head was turned to his left as he stared at the wall in front of him. He was almost completely numb. The only thing in his life that kept him sane was Sam, just him. He was here because of him, living because of him, and if Sam never existed, or he never met him, he would have killed himself a long time ago. He knew well that this wasn't okay, that wanting to do such a thing was not okay, it was bad, nobody should ever think or do something like that, but he just couldn't simply help the fact of doing it, it was a common thing to think about for him. He should have died, died on that stupid as train when Steve tried to reach out to grab him but couldn't reach in time as he fell. He remembered watching Steves horrified for for just a split second as the metal bar he was holding on snapped underneath his grasp.

When he fell he remembered how it felt, the wind aggressively brushing his face as he came closer and closer to falling to the ground below him. He remembered thinking that this was it, that this was finally it, everything, every memory he had, him and Steve playing around with each other, the first day they held hands even though people gave them dirty looks, they didn't care, they were close friends and loved being around each other, to play with each other until they were spent. He remembered as he fell what it felt like to hold Steve in his arms for the first time. His fragile figure in his arms, god he was so small at the time, so young and innocent. He remembered coming home one night, it was late and he came back from being at his parents house all day because he hadn't seen them in a while due to hanging out with Steve so much but to bucky, he didn't care, his parents didn't care about him as much as Steve did. He walked into his and Steve's bedroom since the apartment only had one bedroom and remembered seeing Steve sitting on his bed drawing in the dark room with only a book light to see. Now, to bucky everything seemed fine, he found it weird that the light was off but didn't think anything of it, but as he reached to his right side for the light switch and switched it on, he saw how Steve had a pretty decent deep cut on his jaw. That night he remembered cleaning his wound and telling him what happened, and after he told him, tears streaming down his face he pulled Steve into his arms for what felt like forever, saying sweet nothings into his ear as he fell asleep in his arms. He remembered in those last moments what it felt like to love someone, to feel happy, to feel joy, love, to care for someone so much. As all the memories of his life flashed before his eyes, he closed his eyes slowly, letting out a deep sigh, smiling to himself for the last time as he soon hit the ground and everything turned black.

But here he is, laying on his bed, regretting everything, hating everything, hating himself, wishing he was dead. He was depressed, so so depressed with his life. He was so empty inside, hardly any emotions showed on his face as time goes on. His eyes that light up from the sun as the sun shines down on them gets less and less bright every time he steps outside. He remembered loving his bright blue eyes as a kid, remembering how he would always tell his mom that he loved his eyes and he would never want them to change color or ever want them a different color, but now, that happened, his eyes were dull, they were basically grey-blue that held pain. Pain, pain, pain that's it, he was just a human being, a spec of dust that held nothing but pain. He didn't understand why life had to be like this, to be so miserable, so traumatizing, he just didn't understand why life had to be shit. Why, why anything, why was he even here, living, alive, that was just his answer he always wanted from someone. Why was he even alive.