It's been a month now since bucky has arrived at Sam's house, Sam takes care of bucky like he is his kid, not that Bucky minds, but he doesn't want Sam to always take care of him, he is a grown adult, he can sometimes take care of himself, so when him and Sam had a talk, Sam totally understand why bucky was feeling this way, Sam knew he kinda was going overboard with the whole 'taking care of bucky' thing, so when bucky did address that he didn't really like how he 'always' took care of him, Sam immediately stopped, he stopped the whole thing and made it to where he would take care of bucky but at the same time let bucky take care of himself. Again, bucky didn't mind how Sam would do his laundry or make him food, take him to the store or anything, but he didn't want to be babied. Bucky was very grateful for how Sam would always give him a hug goodnight when he would go to bed, even though the hugs would last about a minute to long, he just absolutely loved it, it felt amazing having someone hold him after not having Sam do that for ages.
He still felt guilty about how he stopped talking to Sam, he hoped that Sam didn't take it the wrong way and thought he was getting sick of him, or thought Sam was doing something, but Sam knew that it wasn't his fault of course, he knew he was going through a rough time and he was there to take care of bucky, he always has. Bucky told him why he stopped talking to him, and Sam didn't get mad at all, all he did was say it was okay and hold bucky, told him that it wasn't anything he should worry about and that he knew he was going through a shit tone of stuff. Bucky was happy to hear that Sam was okay that he didn't talk to him after so long and it wasn't a problem, but he still felt like an asshole for not talking to him. Bucky loves it though the most when he has a nightmare and Sam lays with him in his bed, rocking them both back and forth telling bucky that he was okay and that he will be alright.
Bucky would always smirk, happy that he's able to hold Sam as he falls back to sleep. Sam would sometimes fall asleep in Bucky's arms and in the morning he would slip out of them slowly to not wake buck. Though bucky has always told Sam he doesn't like eating in the morning, he refuses to listen to him and still make him the food, most of the time he would throw away half of the plate of food and tell Sam he just couldn't eat it because if he ate to much in the morning he would feel sick, at some point Sam believed him, but he noticed the way he looked down at his food even around dinner time like he was going to push the plate to the side and tell Sam he did want it, at that point Sam knew he was lying, and told bucky that he needed to eat more in the morning, and if he didn't he would force feed him like a baby as a joke and bucky would always laugh at this, soon he was actually eating more in the morning, but it still wasn't enough, but deep down Sam knew he had to take baby steps with him, he didn't want to rush this whole process with him.
He knew it would just annoy the shit out of bucky. He noticed though that bucky had gained a little bit of weight, and all Sam could think about was how damn handsome he was. He was more built than before. Bucky didn't like this one bit, he hated the weight on him, but how could he not eat when Sam was around, Sam would just freak out if he saw that he wasn't eating barely anything. Bucky started to workout more in his room, he would do it for about thirty minutes everyday, and he actually saw he was getting more fit, it made him happy, but there was still this voice inside his head telling him he looked more like the winter soldier now, and he hated that, but he didn't let that stop him from doing what made him happier......but was he even getting better though?
No, he wasn't, he was suffering more and more every day. He hasn't self harmed for this whole month and he was so desperate to do it, to feel the pain and sting when slicing a blade through his arm, or when the long sleeved shirts he wore rub up against them making the pain ten times worse, or seeing how the the cuts scab up or how they scar up. He found it extremely satisfying. But was he even getting better? Did he feel like his life was actually becoming more normal, like he was more happy and didn't have anxiety when talking to people, or going out in public afraid that someone might recognize him. Well, no, he wasn't getting better, not in any way. He was suffering, he was struggling with himself so much that he cried himself to sleep at night most of the time, and it's only been a month, a month and his mental state is going down hill each day. He felt like he was claustrophobic, like he was living in a box that he just couldn't escape, like he couldn't crawl out of to get to the other box. He would reach the top, feeling like his life was finally coming together, and then he would fall back down and start all over again.
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And Start Over ||SamxBucky||
Fanfictionʕ'• ᴥ•̥'ʔ this includes the falcon and the winter soldier. I didn't include much of the show but. self harm, most chapters/ slight eating disorder/ panic attack's/ suicide mentions but not much/hallucinations, only in one chapter/mature conte...
