And Start Over ||SamxBucky||

(chapter 17 Don't be mad)

Slight Smut warning in this chapter.

Driving back was stillness, no word or conversation trying to interrupt the silence of the truck as it drove down the road, buildings passing and trees. People on the sidewalks as they laughed with each other, smiled with each other with joy, but bucky sat back, he sat back in his seat as jealousy swam through him, jealous that he had to sit back in his over extended, miserable, painful damn life as he watched everyone around him be happy, full of love and happiness, it really killed him inside, it made him just want to end everything, or to rewind time, to go back in time, to be back when he was a young teenager and be happy again. God he was so happy, everything he did, had, he loved, he loved and saw things with his own eyes like everything around him was pure amazement. When he was young everything was okay, there was no suffering, or him having mental problems. He would hang out with Steve all the time, him and Bucky both would play together, pillow fights, build pillow forts. Build tent's with blankets and sheets. Would walk together down the side walk as they giggled with each other.

But he had Sam now to give that to him, to give him that joy and happiness, even though he as a broken soul that will never be fully fixed, he still gets a good laugh here and there or have an amazing time with Sam. Just because what happened in his life happened, doesn't mean he's never going to feel happy ever again, he still has his moments of joy and contentment, but it's all because of sam. Sam, him, the man that stuck by Bucky's side since Steve left. Sam knew how hard that time was for bucky, knew how overwhelmed he was, but even though the two had there up's and downs, arguments, they still stuck around and respected each other, and as time went on, they started getting used to each other, they started to bond more, hang out, invite one another over to there place, have just a few beers maybe, and even though bucky regretted that he straight up stopped talking to Sam, he was so greatfull that he made the decision to go back to Sam, to see him again, because if he never did, he wouldn't be here right now with Sam, or even together with Sam for that matter.

Bucky wasn't sure what was going on with him. He was so,....he doesn't even know the answer, he doesn't even know how he feels, he's just lost. He isn't though, he knows what he really feels, what really lies behind everything, his emotions, the emotions he feels, there not normal, not what he should be feeling. These feelings he's feeling, the pit in his stomach knowing damn well what all of this leads down to, what's really going on in his head and why he rages and gets so fierce. This side of him is why, that side of him he never had until the fall, when he thought his life was over, when he thought that when he was falling everything was just going to go black and he would have died, but he didn't, he turned into a deep, dark cruel evil killer. A monster, a brutal monster that once was a beautiful, calm loving man to being a psycho, the winter soldier. Smirking as he watched people die in his own hand's, the blood dripping off of his metal one. Was that side really trying to get the best of him. How is it even, how after all of this time it somehow wanted to come out to play, to show it's true colors.

That side was gone through, it was long gone a while ago. What made that side get triggered. Yes the nightmares he has most likely had something to do with that side of him, but he's always had them, even in wakanda when trying to heal, even after healing. Those nightmares never stopped, they sometimes would stop for a while, not having those nightmares that chant those words to him, and all of a sudden, they would come back tenfold, coming back in one night and him waking up screaming lashing out, moving around. He's evil and he knows it. He knows deep down that he can't pull this side together and keep it held back. It's been far to long, years. He hated thinking about it, about knowing that he still is a monster, it made him sick. Bucky's head leaned against the window, moving his metal fingers around a little in his lap as his flesh arm hung loosely around his waist. The clear sky was bright blue, little clouds here and there that floated calmly in the sky, sometimes would go over the sun's blaze for a moment, then would uncover the sun making the sun shine again.