Raynor felt a lump in her throat all of a sudden, hearing those words coming from Sam made her think that this had to most likely do something with bucky. She doesn't ever really hear Sam talk much, only bucky when bucky answers Raynors questions, but on the other hand bucky was completely silent. His head hung low as he looked down at his lap, his metal finger picking at the skin around his nail out of habit. Hes been doing this for a while so he could calm himself. He either picked his skin, bounced his leg up and down or bit his nails. He didn't dare look up to her, he didn't want to see the look of worry in her eyes because of him. He felt guilty about this session, not wanting to freak Raynor out or anything but what was he possibly going to do? He couldn't just sit around and forget what he did last night, not at all, and especially when he was going to kill Sam. God he hated that thought, killing Sam. He cringed a little to himself.
Sam let out a loud sigh, looking up and at the ceiling above him, trying to get the right words so he knows exactly what to say to her. He knew bucky probably couldn't even speak right now, he knew that he was basically to scared to, but honestly, Sam knew if he were in Bucky's shoes he would feel the same way. She watched bucky the most though, seeing him about to lift his head up to say something, but then he looks back down, slumping his shoulder a bit. She could see the irritation, frustration, sadness, anger, just all built up in him. She could just tell by his movements, or the way he talks, or if he picks his nails and such. She knows everything about this man and she's just about to know more. Bucky looks to his right to Sam and Sam is looking up at the ceiling thinking of something to say. He felt his mind buzz, the feeling of wanting to say something becoming to much. He knew he needed to speak up, it was better for him to anyway when he was the one that did what he did and knew every detail of what he did last night.
Bucky looked back down at his lap for a moment longer, getting every detail, every word he wanted to speak to her about. He closed his eyes, almost shaking his head to himself from thinking that Sam was going to be able to do this for him, not that he wanted him to, just that Sam offered himself to, and bucky was okay with that, but he felt that he was putting more pressure on Sam more and more each day and he wanted to step in and change that. He didn't want that for Sam. He lifted his head up and at Raynor, who was looking at them both with a expression that held worry. He hated that everyone that looked at him soon held a worried expression, he was getting sick of it. He was ready to speak and he tried to not hesitate. "Raynor uhmm......" Bucky said lowly. Dr Raynor was surprised just how bucky said it, like he was scared to speak. His voice shook a little. Sam was all so surprised and looked at bucky quickly, not even expecting him to speak. Sam looked into his eyes and soon bucky looked over to Sam, meeting his gaze. Sam gave him a look of 'are you sure' and bucky gave him a tiny nod, letting him know that he was totally fine with speaking. Now a part of him just wanted to keep quiet and let Sam do the talking but again, bucky knew everything and every detail of what happened last night.
Bucky looked back at Raynor who was bouncing her leg just a tad due to her nervousness. Bucky couldn't help the guilt that he felt. "I- something....happened last night....and uhh-uhm I....it wasn't something good either" bucky said. She felt every nerve in her tense a bit. She was very cautious around bucky, even she did trust him, there was still a part of her that made sure to be careful when around him. His anger would sometimes get the best of him and the last time she remembered, when he had an anger episode about four months ago he grabbed a glass cup that sat on the small coffee table in front of them and smashed it onto the floor before storming out of the room without saying a word. Even though she's seen progress in him, he still very off and at this moment, she could tell where this session was headed, but she was perplexed on what happened. She knew this was about him she could just feel it. Bucky was very desolate as he spoke, the only thing he really felt was how nervous he was and scared he was to say what he was about to say to her.
She eyed them both for a few and then spoke. "What happened James" She said softly. Sam swallowed, feeling very apprehensive. He looked down at his lap waiting for bucky to continue. Sam was very worried if this, what bucky was about to explain to her was really bad, if it was even normal. He already went to wakanda once and stayed there for a while trying to get better and take better control over himself but now, now bucky had been getting worse all over again. Sam knew this had to not be normal, not in any way. This wasn't normal, it wasn't normal after being somewhere for so long trying getting better which he succeeded to all of a sudden almost killing the love of his life. Yeah, that ain't normal. Bucky looked into Raynor's vibrant eyes, seeing the sun that shined into the room that they were in shine right on her eyes. They were actually pretty stunning, if she just walked out in the sunlight they were very pretty. Bucky took a breath in, his chest shaking as he did so and exhaling out. "I.....i-uhmm...I did...I did something last night and it's....I don't think it's normal" Bucky said, slightly stumbling over his words.
And there it was. She felt a chill run up her spine. She knew it had to do with something about bucky. Bucky's had plenty of problems, he still does, ever since he stopped being the winter soldier its almost like Bucky's a ghost walking around in a sense. He doesn't feel hardly any emotions, he's most of the time empty feeling inside. He walks like a soldier but in a very calm scary way that if you saw him walking in front of you you would most likely slow your pace with walking so he could be further away from you. His eyes hold hell, pain, lose. It's hard to look at him sometimes because when you do you feel this gut wrenching feeling inside to tell him he's going to be okay, to hug him, but there's a part of him to that you just feel like you can't possibly trust. Bucky just looks like a broken soul that needs his soul stitched back together. Raynor has seen this before with some of her other clients, they looked dead inside but bucky is just, he's just a while different story. He's messed up in the head, heart broken into pieces that need to be placed back together. Everything that's happened in his past haunts this man to death, scared to even think about all of the stuff that he once did. Bucky sniffles a little, swallowing the lumb that was in his throat.
"What happened last night James" She said. She could see that cold look in his eyes, the kind that tells you that something pretty bad happened. Sam looked to his left at Bucky, seeing bucky look down at the ground below them trying to find the right words. He watched as bucky sat completely still, almost like he was in a trance of some sort, like his life was flashing before his eyes before he averted his eyes back to Raynor's. Sam let his left hand soon get placed on bucky right thigh, giving it a small squeeze telling him it was going to be okay. Bucky felt his heart heat up the slightest from the gesture. Bucky blinked a few times and continued. "W-well...i-i had a nightmare, ju-you know the ones I have all the time....and I...I woke up to-" bucky stopped dead in his tracks, soon starting to bounce his leg up and down, messing around with his metal hand a bit. He felt the ridges along his flesh fingers, the vibranium arm reminding him who he once was. It made him truly sick, sick to his stomach remembering when he would choke, bash people's head's in, slit somebody's throat until they were squirming underneath him just because hydra told him to, controlled him to think that was right, to feel good afterwards. God he was so insane, so so disgusting. The blood on his hands as he smirked to himself for feeling so powerful. But something in bucky even now still had that, that feeling of missing the feeling of the power, control, but that wasn't him anymore......he couldn't do that.
Bucky closed his eyes, feeling almost lightheaded. "I woke up.....up to...I was standing in Sam's room....and-...god....I was holding a-a knife" Bucky said, the last part almost a whisper. Good thing that there was no music playing or anything, because the only thing in the room that was making noise was the ticking of the clock on the coffee table in front of them. His lip quivered a little, feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. Sam did the same, closing his eyes, his chest tightening with nervousness. God he hoped, hell he freaking prayed that this wasn't something really bad. Raynor was in shock, not even expecting something like those words to come out of his mouth. She sat there, just sat there for a good long moment knowing, knowing how bad this is.
I know I'm sorry short chapter. I'm busy but don't worry, the next chapter will be really really soon ( /^ω^)/♪♪
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And Start Over ||SamxBucky||
Fanfictionʕ'• ᴥ•̥'ʔ this includes the falcon and the winter soldier. I didn't include much of the show but. self harm, most chapters/ slight eating disorder/ panic attack's/ suicide mentions but not much/hallucinations, only in one chapter/mature conte...
