Will death be our last kiss? My love?

Chapter VII

*cough*

OMFG SHES SO PRETTY WODNEODHWKDHEODHEOZHCKSBXDKEJEICISBDKWFHSOBD

anyways.

Look at my bb 😍😍
It's old but it's my bb so it's ok.

Also just very casually ignore how my back looks like i'm trying to break it, i was like half bent over trying not to kill myself bc it was so uncomfortable.

(This is like a week/2 weeks later. I've watched a million ways to die in the west (i love anna) and i've been without my little carrot looking bb for A WEEK and have to be without him for ANOTHER WEEK. I don't like my parents.) (they've had 3 arguments today alone and my mom stormed into my room and was like 'pack ur bag ur goin back' then less than 5 min later she's like 'no ur staying bc u can't leave' and she genuinely thinks i care. I really dont man 😭. Like ik i'm a shitty daughter etc, just admit it, i know it, and stop that 'but your not' crap, i'm a bad daughter and u know it too. Like i curse my father out, call him not my real dad etc, and i'm mean to my mother, just say i'm an awful daughter already! OR AT LEAST REALISE THAT I DON'T CARE AT ALL? I genuinely don't, i could die and care less, my father could die and i could care less. I know i'm fortunate to have him as my father bc 'he pays the bills', but without him my mom could most definitely still live with me. They use everything as a leverage over me, even my cat that i've had for maybe a month. Everything is used as a leverage, me not going with them to do something? I'm holding them hostage. I'm way too overstimulated because it's always 36 celsius here in France where i am? I'm ruining the vacation. God forbid i miss my cat. 'Why didn't you take us up on the offer to fly you back then?' Well good question mom! Maybe because you BOTH would use it as leverage? You might get mad at me every time i say you both use everything as leverage, and i might quickly correct myself on it, but you BOTH use everything as leverage! How do you not see that?! It takes a man to die for me to feel guilt, they tell me i complain too much but god forbid i'm a mentally unstable autistic teenager? God forbid i always have a headache ever since i could remember? God forbid i've always been overstimulated by everything so for some reason that outs itself as a continued headache that stops maybe for a few hours per day? God fucking forbid that i only complain and never compliment, because why would i compliment? If i hate something i hate it. If i don't mind it i don't mind it. If i'm tired please let me stay in the house. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME GO OUT? I hate vacations, it's boring, there's no long term routine because summer vacation is 6 weeks long, i hate weekends, i love school but purely because it's a long term routine. The mosquitoes here are TRYING TO KILL ME?! and i'm not allowed to complain because i do every day, and yes that's shitty, but you know what else is shitty? My father throwing god damned glasses and yelling at me as if i'm an adult, as if i have some kind of degree and am just living here without a job, as if i'm not 14, as if i'm not tired? Hwy do we have to go away from my cat for 2 weeks? Why did we have to go when i have told them several times to please let me stay with my grandmother? I hate it here, it's boring and we always go here. I'm tired after just one week and we're going canooing or smth tmr, i love that, yes, but not if i'm so tired i feel like i'm about to explode and cry my eyes out. I'm overstimulated, my head hurts and my legs hurt and behind my eyes hurts, suddenly i can feel my fucking tongue because i thought of feeling my teeth, i can somehow feel my eyelashes???? It's too damp and hot in here and my room is like a sauna so i'm forced to sleep on the ground downstairs, which normally i'd love but now i'm imagining bugs in the corners. I just want to go home, i don't feel safe, i'm being blamed for everything here, and i never want to go anywhere because i just feel to somber and down, i feel like i want to become a emotionless void or cloud or i already am one. I don't feel anything except for rage, sadness, somber shit, suicidal dumbassery, pain, bright red mosquito bites, my wrist hurts, and overstimulation. I just want to go home but they just won't make up their mind about sending me home or not, and i don't want to be here if i don't even want to go anywhere.
I know i'm ruining the vacation and i'm a horrible daughter, but for gods sake don't blame me for everything, i wasn't even there for half of everything i'm blamed for!
Best thing is that my father gets mad at me all the time for holding them back for doing fun things, when they can just go without me.
I don't want to do anything and i'm tired, my arms hurt and my mother is forcing me to go rowing tmr, i feel like i'm about to break down crying in the middle of that 4/5 hour trip or smth, and i just feel numb.
I just want to go home, i don't was to wait till the 28th to go home, i want to go home, it's too much and everything is too hot here, everything sucks here and nothing is interesting anymore.
Everything hurts, and i just don't want to do this anymore.
And i know my mother will freak out if i tell her i want to go home because 'you should've said that earlier' and i did. I just didn't want to have you guys use it as leverage again.
And my little brother is so happy and if i also ruin this for him then idk what to do anymore, i ruin every family outing purely because i hate my father, and if my brother is rude to him he'll blame me.
I don't know how many times i've made my mother cry or my father throw stuff and yell at me, i just feel numb, i don't feel guild or sadness from it, it's just normal and i can go on with my day as if nothing happened, i can literally forget about it.
I hate how they think i care when i've told them several times i don't, they could kill me for all i care.
They could drop me off at my grandmothers and never pick me up again, they could just up and leave, like my mother always threatened us with when we were kids, to just up and leave without me or my brother, and now she's always denying ever saying that.)