Secrets I Keep (Book 2. of A Beautiful Distraction)

6) The Good and The Heartless

We had all been sitting in the truck for what seemed like hours. Newt was in the front next to Jorge just in case something happened. Frypan, Thomas, and Brenda in the back. That left Aris and I in the truck bed.

The entire time I didn't know how to speak. It was like I wasn't even real as the words, the images, flashed through my mind. The cracks in the window, the screaming, the way I so angrily banged on the glass. Was I already turning?

"Back there, what happened?"Aris asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"I mumbled, staring at the ground.

"When that woman started saying you were next, and you screamed that you weren't her. What did you mean?"

"I was frustrated. There's nothing to it,"I lied.

"It's just the way you sounded, the way you hit the windows, it didn't look like you."

It wasn't.

"Okay,"I shrugged.

"Your eyes didn't look like yours. It's just, what happened Y/N? What actually happened?"He repeated.

I subconsciously glanced at my left arm as he said that. I felt his eyes fall on me as I snapped my head back up.

"I reacted to what was going on. There's nothing more to it,"I repeated. It was clear he wasn't buying it.

"If something happened you would tell me, right?"He whispered.

"Yeah,"I lied, leaning back and closing my eyes. He went to slip his hand in mine, but I pulled away, scared of what I was capable of now.

Scared of the fact that I was becoming a monster. I would be no better than those things that had tried to kill us. I had to get this over with. The sooner the better.

He went completely frozen, not sure of what to do. Neither was I. Even though I want to have him near me, even though I want the familiar comfort of him holding my hand, I couldn't accept it. If the Cranks said I was next then that has to mean something. Maybe that means it's better to pull away while I can. Even though it's killing me I had to try.

After all, isn't it easier to lose someone if you hate them?

"Get it through your thick skull. I don't love you. I never did!"
"You don't mean that. You're angry, and you should be but-"
"Aris Jones. Listen to what's coming out of my mouth. I fucking hate you. I only kept seeing you because I felt bad for you."
"No. You're-you're lying . . . You never loved me?"

No. It really isn't. You can't make yourself hate someone, and you can only do so much to make someone hate you. I already tried that, and it didn't work. Eventually, I'd do something unforgivable though. I wouldn't even realize until it was too late.

Besides, who could ever love a monster? When he found out, if he found out, what would he think of me? The pain I'm causing right now will be worth it in the long run, right?

I kept my eyes closed to stop any tears from falling. He was right next to me, but I couldn't let myself be near him. I had spent so long wishing to be back with the boy I love. Having him near me, having him kiss me, having him hold my hand, kept me going. Even though I said I didn't want him to come back deep down I knew he would.

He would do anything for me, and I would do anything for him. Even if that meant having to hurt him so it would make grieving easier. If I had to give him up to make his life just a little bit better so be it.

That doesn't mean it's not destroying me though. Destroying us is killing me because I love him. I need him just to keep going.

I couldn't have him anymore though. Soon pulling away wouldn't even be an option.