South Park x Reader One Shots

Kept (Kyle x Reader)

After successfully colonizing Mars, the women decided that men were only a hindrance to their perfect utopia and were no longer needed.

There were only two things they were good for. And the only things they were still kept alive for. Their semen and their jokes.

Above the the surface, women had created an ideal world with body tolerance, no wars, no 'pick me' mentality and no toilet seats left up. It was a place where meaningful relationships could come from anywhere.

The men were kept below the surface in a series of apartments. Each one was furnished beautifully with a giant ornate bed, claw-footed tubs, gold inlay, and a computer to write jokes on. The jokes would then be sent to female scriptwriters above to make entertainment for themselves.

But they weren't monsters, the men had plenty of recreational time together, like basketball and other various sports, as long as female guards were watching over them to ensure none of them planned a coup.

When a woman decided she was ready to carry a child or was just looking for a little fun, she would go to the comfortable lobby below and choose a man through the vast database of men and spend time with them as she pleased. After all, that's all men were good for anyway.

You found yourself in just that predicament today.

"I can't believe you're having a baby! Oh my god, that's so exciting!" Bebe jumped up and down.

"Calm down," you laugh, "I haven't even picked one yet!"

"He's gotta be tall right? Super handsome? Well built?"

"I won't know who I like until I see him."

"I hear a lot of girls go for Clyde. They say he's the most handsome one down there. Maybe you should try him?"

"Eh."

You were never one to follow suggestions and from the limited information you had heard about Clyde, you weren't interested.

Bebe clasps her hands together, "Oh I hope it's a girl! I can't wait to teach her all about socio-economics!"

Kyle

Writer's block again?

Kyle scrapped his tenth joke of the night practically banging his head against the wall. Everything had pretty much already been done, and Jimmy's always came out way funnier than anyone else's anyway.

He went to the balcony window in one of the thousands of apartments the men were assigned to and stared out into the beautiful cave system and glowing bio-luminescent greenery over the ceiling. It was a beautiful view but it was unchanging.

This isn't fair, I never did anything wrong against women, why am I down here with everyone else!

After baby boys were weaned, they were sent to regular schools below ground to learn basic education. When they were college age, they took mandatory lectures about the intricacies of female anatomy and important 'life skills' like how to please a woman, how to last as long as she wants you to, how to anticipate her needs before she asks for them and most importantly, how to make her cum.

Kyle was old enough when this all began just to attend the life skill courses. During practice, realistic 3D models were used, and on the final exam, women from above would volunteer to be a part of the test.

It was no surprise when most of the men had to re-take the test, but not Kyle. He was always academically inclined and graduated top of the class.

Unfortunately, other factors went into his database profile that were out of his control.