Shameless - lestappen

21- Pray for Me

Tell me who's gon' save me from myself
When this life is all I know
Tell me who's gon' save me from this hell
Without you, I'm all alone

- The Weeknd,, Kendrick Lamar

21

GP Spielberg 2022

Charles Leclerc

The week I spent with Max went by at an alarming rate to my greatest regret. The Dutchman left on Wednesday, returning home to pack before leaving for Austria, leaving a void behind.

We agreed to keep what's going on between us completely secret. It makes a lot more sense, especially since we haven't qualified this thing that's going on between us at all. We spent the week kissing and sleeping together. Waiting for the other to finish a meeting or workout with impatience to enjoy the other's warm lips. Almost like we were a couple.

Except him  and I are anything but a couple.

I'm pretty worried about the GP coming in. I'm afraid I won't be able to hide my thoughts and that my face will reveal all my secrets to everyone looking up at me. 

Everyone knows I have an attraction to men, despite my relationship with Charlotte to look good and make it look like I've changed my mind.

It had already been a terrible bomb when people saw the pictures of me alone, dancing in an LGBT nightclub, I had taken a wave of immense hatred, even from my own fans. It took me several months to speak about this event, explaining that I was heterosexual and in a relationship with a wonderful woman and that I had gone to that party with friends, that there was nothing wrong with loving someone of the same gender but that I was not involved.

I had no choice as to what to say. Ferrari is unfortunately not known for its open-mindedness or for its progressive ideas. Ferrari has always been my dream so I have complied with the demands it imposes even though I know that if I had been in another team like Mercedes it would have happened differently.

Over time you get used to it and almost anything can become tolerable. Still, it was painful not to receive any support from my team. They just wanted to fix the "problem."

They had done quite well so far since I had not dared to approach a man or consider anything with a man. For two years I repressed all my desires, I even came to hate myself, to hate my sexuality, to be disgusted by my desires. I tried with women, I'm also attracted to them after all, but that didn't stop me from looking at men.

And then there was Max.

He brought out the worst in me, he gave me fits of anger, he made me angry like no one had ever done before. And he started confiding in me. His illness, his bruises, his sexuality, quickly I knew more than most people in the paddock.

He apologized, he cried in my arms, he kissed me, he called for help and I came.

And I think I fell in love.

It makes me sad. There are a lot of people I could have loved. But him... I can't love him properly. Not when he's suffering from another relationship, no one knows who he is and he's my main competitor.

"Charles? Are you listening to me?

I am interrupted in my reflection by the voice of my friend. For a brief moment I forgot that I was at the restaurant with him.

- Sorry, I was thinking.

- I see, what's bothering you so much?

- The competition with Max this year, I'm starting to lose hope for the title of world champion, I feel like he's going to have it again.