Shameless - lestappen

28 - Habits

It's always right person and wrong way
I hate to be right, please, tell me I'm wrong
Please, tell me I'm wrong
'Cause it's on again, off again
Love you like oxygen
I don't know what to say or do

- Genevieve Stokes

28

Charles Leclerc

I feel like I'm losing control again and it reminds me of the morning when Pierre called me to ask me not to look at my phone.

I'm not in control of the situation the way I'd like to be.

Because for the first time my F1 career is no longer the only priority.
And I know it's dangerous. Very dangerous.

I could lose everything. F1, Ferrari...

Max...

I want to have it all at once, and that's not possible because I can't do this to my team. 

My team, Ferrari, which I love more than anything, for whom I would give anything until I will be pull out of the red racing car dead. But my team keeps me from hurting its image just because I'm myself. 

My team is toxic.

But I want Max. I don't want to choose between him and Ferrari... I don't want anyone asking me to make a choice. Because either way, I'd end up with my heart shattered.
And when I don't want to make a choice, I run away.

I try to avoid the problem, I'm pretending to be in control. I do what I'm asked to do with a smile, and I certainly don't do what my heart begs me to do.

That's how I end up partying with members of Ferrari and Charlotte, because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I smile, I drink, I put my hand on Charlotte's hip to bring her closer to me, I laugh at everyone's jokes, I congratulate and thank the team for their incredible work today and I pretend to be the happiest man in the world.

I feel like shit because my body is screaming at me to join Max and fall into his arms to forget about this crappy weekend, to forget that I have no right to love him.

And I wish I didn't love him.

And I want so much to be madly in love with a woman who would wear my Ferrari clothes too big for her and come to support me in the paddock at every race. A woman I would marry at home in Monaco, proudly. With whom we would have many children. A love story worthy of all the stories my mother used to read to me when I was a kid.

I don't want to love Max. He doesn't fit the description of the love I dream of. He'll never wear my Ferrari clothes, he'll never be in the paddock supporting me, I'll never be able to marry him in Monaco, even if I wanted to, and we'll never be able to have kids the way I always imagined.

It feel so wrong to love him. As if, in front of the eyes of others, I felt like a child who did a big mistake.

So why do I feel so good when I'm alone with him? Why have I never wanted so much to feel someone's skin against mine before him, to see his smile come out when I make stupid jokes. And his eyes, my God, his blue eyes so breathtaking.

Max isn't the problem. The problem is the people around us and the fear I have of seeing them disappointed.

I always do everything I can to please others, to get everyone to love me, even if it's impossible.

And I know I'm going to disappoint so many people this time. It makes me sick.

I feel even more like shit when I feel my phone vibrating and I see a message from Max, worried, but I'm unable to answer.