Shameless - lestappen

32- Love Me Again

I need to know now, know now
Can you love me again?

- John Newman

32

Max Verstappen

Last night when Charles called me in tears to tell me he didn't want to see me anymore, my world fell apart. The Earth continued to spin on itself, the seconds continued to pass as if nothing had happened, but my inner world was destroyed, reduced to dust by a single sentence.

" I told you, but you wouldn't listen. Ferrari will never let me have you. It's my F1 seat or you, Max, it's over, I don't have a choice, I'm so sorry. "

I was afraid this would happen from the beginning, but it never stopped me from wanting to try. I didn't choose to love him, I didn't want it to be so complicated.

When my father caught us, half-naked, in my hotel room, I didn't try to deny the obvious, I wasn't afraid of his reaction because when Charles is there, I'm not afraid. I was proud to embrace my identity, to proclaim it to his face, I was proud when his look changed and a horrified expression ran through his face. And I was proud when he left after threatening me about my relationship with Charles.

But now Charles is no longer by my side and I wonder what I did. Why did I reveal my secrets to so many people when I've been hiding them to the best of my ability since childhood?

My father came back to see me right after Charles broke up with me that night.

"Can we talk about what happened this morning? He spoke to me in Dutch, in a firm voice but I didn't feel any anger expressed on his face at first glance.

I didn't even bother to look him in the eye or stop what I was doing. I answered him with tiredness in my voice.

- I know this isn't ideal and it's not right for you, and it's not right for me either, but you should have known that this would happen eventually.

He sat on the bed and sighed before speaking again to give me a speech that I had heard many times before.

- You're my only son Max, and you already know that if I had been lucky enough to have another boy, I would have chosen him to make him a champion.

He spoke casually as if he had just told me the weather forecast for the weekend, without realizing the cruelty of his words, words that I have heard many times. Strangely, tonight, his words hurt less than usual. Probably because Charles had just broken my heart.

- But you've only got me and you have to deal with it.

- You have to admit, you're not easy. Between your weakness - he always referred to my diabetes as my weakness - and your tastes... unnatural... I'm doing what I can to make sure you succeed.

- But haven't I already done it? I'm world champion, Dad, what more do you want me to do?

His eyes crossed mine and I felt that it was about to explode between us.

- Being a champion is just a title. The most important thing is to have the attitude.

- And how does the fact that I'm diabetic or gay prevent me from having the attitude of a champion?

And the argument broke out. He told me that he had spoken to Mathias Binotto, that Charles would be sanctioned and that a new contract would be signed. I yelled at him that it was very poorly disguised homophobia, but he didn't want to know.

I ended up blissful because his plan had worked and Charles had left me. He seemed happy to hear it, barely hiding his satisfied smile. "At least one of you has finally come to his senses."