[01:13] early November
A part of me wants it. The other part is afraid. Of opening up, putting wrong effort, being betrayed at the end. I want true commitment, a ride or die. Someone to be obsessed with me, worshipping the ground I walk on. Someone I can lean on any day. Someone who would give all. Someone who can match my energy. Someone with trust and loyalty. Someone I would willingly submit to. Someone who would realize my fantasies. Princess treatment and a brat tamer. Is it hard to find both in one? Mixed signals tire me.
Yet it's so addicting, I want more. The torture is so sweet, tempting me to have a bite. One bite is enough to keep me hooked. Typically, I would be a hedonist and pursure my desires, but now the stakes are too high. The possibility of breaking my own heart, can I endure it yet again? I know I can overcome the fear by one step at a time. But is it worth it? How do one determine the worth? Taking the risk is the answer. So it goes in circles, like the chicken and egg problem, there is no answer. I feel naked when I let someone in my soul. Thoughts that have been hiding behind closed doors for more than a decade. I want to run away and hide far from these feelings.
But I need to feel it, drown myself in these emotions, it brings me peace. Inhale it till it fills my lungs, make me crawl to it. Sometimes I lock my fingers together and prevent them from writing. I want to stay up all night and let it happen. What is that's pulling me towards these wants? I have not found the answer for nearly a year now. The desire is so dizzying, I can't control it. Please, I need it, so much that a dust of blush covers my cheeks whenever I think of the possibilities. Am I beginning myself to release me from this torment?
Night loosens my tongue, letting out my buried feelings. I used to stay up until down, now midnight closes my eyes. I might regret a bit in the morning for oversharing, yet that doesn't stop me from writing more. I am attempting to comprehend myself, of what brings me solace.
[00:51] 30.11.
I feel like a coward, afraid of confronting myself. How many times a day does one prevents oneself from dreaming? Only a millisecond to hit the send button. Watching moments and alternative possibilities seep through my fingers as the sun sets. I just can't bring myself to write and hope on a mind connection instead.
Where does this yearning come from? It is so intense, I don't know what to do with it. Letting it loose seems so reckless yet so tempting. Desperate for a small bite, insatiable and tiring. I need it, intertwined with my soul, deep inside me, in the very edge of my system, and I don't know the reason. The way I deny is so funny that even sometimes I laugh at my actions. It would turn toxic really fast perhaps, but I don't mind. I have to convince myself that it is temporary desire and not life-long attachment. It should be terminated for once in my mind.
[01:07] 03.12.
I have troubles identifying my feelings. How did they develop in the first place? Is it the curiosity of the past or something else? For sure, it is more than a mere fancy, but not strong enough to be recognized as love. There is physical and emotional, and something else. I do not know how to classify that something else. On, under, inside; all over from all directions, let it envelope me. It looks more like a twin flame connection. No, it's definitely not love, but the way I care for/ worry about it is way too much, like a piece of my own soul. In the first place, we shouldn't care about people who are not related to us in any way. These contradictions mess up my head. Maybe it is already love, and I don't know that, it occupies my mind so much. But how does one love a person they don't know about? It is simply impulse, will pass I hope.
Am I intellectualizing my emotions? Should I think with my heart and let it feel instead? It's so undeniable, sometimes resisting feels so meaningless. Maybe I should plung the knife in my heart and let the blood drops fall, just to feel. Yet I shouldn't be giving in.
