4.12. & 5.12.
I feel halfway at peace, calmest I've been in the last two months. The way my system is relaxing right now as if I am sedated. The reason for this relief remains unknown, but that doesn't matter. It feels so different, away from worries, somewhat with a seed hope, as if it is meant to be this way.
I have always said I need a male version of me, but is it just like that? Is this the reason? I merely needed to confess every tormenting thought going through my head all past week. So desperate and ambiguous, I can't recognize myself lately. I miss my composed self.
It fits so well, as if made for me. Whenever I think of that moment, it runs far away in my mind, as if it is a fragment of my imagination. Mixing up reality is the last thing I want. I feel a lot more calmer and safer now, yet it is not sufficient. Will not be sufficient till I get what I have been dreaming of. It got me so hooked that I am afraid it will turn into a habit. As if I mind it that much, I haven't even realized the tiniest fraction of things on my mind. I need to feel it again, here and now, I can't get enough.
I have troubles holding still, I had to feel it close. At that moment, I needed it so bad, yet couldn't bring myself to do it. Endless times I have dreamt of that possibility over the past months (almost a year now, maybe more), hoping one day to close my eyes and feel the warmth.
