I've been crying myself to sleep every night since she left. And not only nights. I do not know the reason. I wish things were different. No one had to go through all that. I wish they had listened, I wish mom wasn't left alone like that, I wish there was understanding.
Maybe we had enough time and wasted it. I told her about everything back then; how my days went, my problems, my first crush, whenever me and mom had fights. I used to sit on the floor and call her in the evenings.
I couldn't say a single thing. I didn't know what to say. She hadn't forgotten me afterall, even by the nickname. Tears were in her eyes, a little bit. And I stood crying like a pathetic little child. Even her voice was so fragile, different from when I last heard it.
But some part of me hurts and I can not identify what is bothering me. Lord, I cannot deal with a loss. Denial, of being unable to comprehend that she is not here anymore. False hopes as if she would be revived or something.
Maybe it is better to escape the pain that way. There are no wordly problems in the clouds.
I hope in that world your soul has found peace.
***
I miss you. We all do. Wherever you are, I hope you are happier now. Wishing to see you again one day.
13.02
