[each paragraph is written on a different time.]
The second I laid my eyes on him, every other man ceased to exist. In fact, it has been like that for a long time. For a very long time, I have been unable to identify when these emotions were formed.
He can have me in any way he wants. I'll be obedient for him.
I feel drunk on love, then say all the things I should keep to myself. But it feels so right, to let it out.
The scenarios I keep creating in my head. I need this man in every possible way.
And his eyes. The way his gaze strips me down.
Sometimes it feels as if this has been going on for a while. The time frame is blurred in my mind.
He has merged with every cell in my system for long, inside my veins.
I can't understand myself. It is merely there, even if some days we don't converse much or get to know each other deeper. It exists as if it is written or whatsoever.
I love him so much that I have hardship describing the rush passing through me every time I think of him. It is so paradoxical, serene yet thrilling. I never imagined I would actually feel something, especially when holding hands. For long, it has felt so empty and meaningless, physical contact. I had been so devoid of feelings, as if forced to live through the relationships. But with him, it simply happens. The contact; it burns, blood rushes all over, a million emotions erupt inside me. I yearn for him, deep in need for his comfort.
People ask me what is the reason I like him. Well, it is just, he gets me. In a way that it feels safe. It happened on its own, without me directing my feelings. I am unable to keep it under a leash, this time it was so tremendous that I actually made a decision with my heart. So absurd of "me" and "listening to my heart" being used in the same sentence. But my mind seems to agree as well now. It sees the way things progress, and is gradually giving approval.
I know the risk is high. Yet whatever it turns out to be, I will never regret a single thing about this. I would love him through a thousand lifetimes.
I love him so much that I am so afraid of losing him. Somedays I think too much and it burns me out. I need to see that this is the one. I pray over and over to God to let me know if it is. And then this relationship continues. At this point, the signs are even tired by my blindness (I swear I'm not ignoring them anymore). Is it the final answer, then? I know mentally I am unable to process if it doesn't happen. Because it is too late; too late when I'm fallen, so deeply, madly enchanted. Thinking, dreaming of him brings light to my eyes, the euphoria passes, but the feelings are still there. All day, every hour, he is present in my mind. I have always wanted someone who would love me right, is this the one? Lord forbid, if something happens, I can't afford to love him from afar. The hardest was to acknowledge my feelings, everything else would go on alright, wouldn't it? I can't wait to feel him again, the distance has been killing me. It is a little different, interesting, but I like it.
There is something inside me that hurts. I have been having second thoughts without any reason. Overthinking when there is no need. Half of the day I am in a lovey-dovey mood, the other half worry eats me alive. I think I am afraid that he would stop wanting me. And even if that would ever happen, it would be carried out in the most adequate manner. Yet there is something on my mind, bothering me. Does this come with falling in love? Maybe it is just the heavy week; will pass very soon. It feels like a torture and I can't handle it anymore. What are these issues on my mind hindering me? I never want to worry, even an ounce for these because I know that the choice I made won't disappoint me on this issue. And I do trust him. But it still worries me, one day being unwanted, unloved. I've shown too much vulnerability and it scares me, being broken; however strong I am. I have been raw with my feelings, is it something that I need to prove to myself? But I am trying to be better, honestly. I did three separate attachment type tests today, and all results show "secure". I have long outgrown my insecurities and healed; but what is this?
