static [joshler]

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He had been lying there for God knows how long. Flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. The floorboards were hard but he didn't care. Anything to avoid laying in the bed where... where his boyfriend died three days ago.

Josh's lip quivered. His bones popped as he sat up. He picked up the teddy he had given Tyler. It was resting against the leg of the nightstand. The stuffed animal shook in his hands. Its black eyes were judging him.

Today was the first time Josh stepped foot into the room since it happened. It took everything in him to not run back out.

Everything was where Tyler had left it, with the exception of the bed being bare. The blankets were gone. Debby was going to wash them but Josh suggested that they just completely throw them away. Jenna agreed to get rid of the blankets. It was her blankets, after all, Tyler had only borrowed them. Josh had crashed on the couch each night, not being able to even touch the bed, with new blankets.

A tear fell onto the teddy bear and he broke into a sob. He hugged the bear and rocked back and forth. He could smell the cologne Tyler wore soaked deep into the fur and he cried harder. His chest hurt so bad. He wished more than anything for Tyler to be there and hug him.

Tyler. That's all he could think about. And whenever something else came to mind, it would somehow get linked to his lover. He fucking hated his mind.

In all honesty, he wanted to join his boyfriend. He wanted to die too. But he knew better than to act on that. He still had people that loved him. He had people to hug.

But that didn't mean he still didn't want to.

That reminded him that his parents and siblings don't know yet. He hadn't talked to them in days. They are probably worried.

But then... he thought about the Joseph's. Would they care? Jay. Should he tell him? Tyler wanted him to come to his funeral.

Josh's stomach turned. He didn't know where he was. His boyfriend was dead and he didn't know where. His spirit was probably, again- God knows where. His body was in a morgue somewhere. Cold, alone.

He dug his fingernails into the bear and restrained himself from ripping it open. He ignored the urge to destroy something. He had to control himself. He wasn't going to break something again, especially something that belonged to Tyler.

Yesterday he had a meltdown and was throwing everything on sight, including Jenna's favorite vase of flowers. She assured that it was alright but he still felt extremely guilty. He felt shitty all around and was beginning to think he would never be okay ever again.

He didn't understand how Debby and Jenna did it. He had only seen them cry after Tyler was taken away. He thought they had it all together.

What Josh didn't see was the panic attack that Jenna had after having helped him calm down. He had gone outside to calm down, sitting on the bench where Tyler and he kissed. Debby stayed by her girlfriend's side and cried with her.

Josh whined, and it turned into another sob. His eyes burned. His head felt like it was going to explode with how bad of a headache he had. His chest hurt unexplainably empty. There was snot running out of his nose. He felt nauseous.

He wasn't ever going to get over this.

Josh wiped his nose with his shirt. He felt disgusting, sad, guilty, angry, and alone all at once. 

He missed his boyfriend more than anything.

~

Josh shifted into the park and glanced out the driver's window. He was across the street from the Joseph's house. He hadn't been there since the night that Tyler had technically died the first time.